Stress and the City

Obsession-Be-Gone - The story of one man's fight with his fight against bed bugs

2010-11-08T14:04:00.000-05:00

Bed bugs are a problem in New York City (the NY Times ran four articles about them last month alone). So it came as no surprise when Barry started talking with me about his obsession with protecting his family from them.

He'd heard the horror stories from two close friends - about how the exterminators would come, but the bugs would stay. Of people leaving the city entirely after moving from an infested apartment, only to have the new apartment also be infested (the new landlord painted over the walls and didn't mention the issue).

Determined to avoid such a disaster in his home, in April, Barry started to insist that everyone put their bags and shoes into large plastic bins in the entry. He would also vacuum his home three times a week - not only would he vacuum behind the sofa cushions, he would unzip and vacuum the inside of them as well (just in case!). And it went on from there. All this felt like the sane thing to do in the face of a pesky danger to his son.

The problem was that the behavior was starting to feel obsessive - and ineffectual. The friends of his 7 year-old son who had been exposed to bed bugs would play in the apartment. The walls could develop a crack from where the bugs could seep in. There were too many variables. Too many possibilities that something could creep in. Even Barry's son started calling him obsessed and asked him to chill out. (His wife was lovingly accommodating, but still shook her head in wonder.)

This was the situation where Barry approached me. Between half-hearted jokes about his behavior, he mentioned that he'd like to stop. There's no point in trying to make a shift if a shift isn't desired. So I asked him directly, "Which is it? Do you want the behavior or do you want to stop?"

Had he said that he wanted to maintain the behavior, I would have gone along with it and enjoyed his company for the rest of the evening (Barry's a very funny guy). But as it was, he became somber and concerned. Barry said he really did want to change - even his 7 year-old was acting more mature and calling him out on odd behavior - but didn't know how.

I asked him:
Why do you want to stop?
What do you get out of the behavior?
How else can you get it?
What's next (or even more important)?

As a result, Barry realized that he was spending more time and energy worrying about bed bugs than if he actually got them. Even though he could try to protect his son from tiny bites, there were other things that would hurt even more. And the most important lesson he could bestow at this point was that it's possible to get over an obsession and return to normal behavior.

The next day Barry and his son got rid of the bins.

Presentation on 11/18: Giving Thanks to Stress

2010-11-07T13:46:00.005-05:00

Just in time for the holidays!

I will be giving a presentation at the New York Society for General Semantics called Giving Thanks to Stress.

Stress is trying to send a message - one of warning, care and protection - that either something you really don't want is happening, or that you're missing something important. During the holidays the messages often come more frequently and more intensely. Unfortunately stress can't say anything out loud. Instead it gets your attention by making you irritable, increasing your heart rate, tensing your muscles and contributing to 90% of visits to primary care physicians.

When you act on the message that stress is delivering, not only does it go away, it pushes you along the path of living your ideal life. And that's definitely something to be thankful for.

Details

Thursday, Nov. 18th, 6:30pm

Albert Ellis Institute

45 E. 65th St, NYC (map)

(b/w Park & Madison)
$5

How long should it take to recover from a car incident?

2010-10-30T13:46:00.000-05:00

On the way to her semi-final match Kim Clijsters got into an accident where everyone was okay (the car was totaled).

Last month I blogged about why time doesn't heal ANY wounds. Clijsters chose to move on right away rather than do the socially appropriate/expected thing of let her thoughts get wrapped up in what just happened. In fact, "Clijsters served more consistently than she had all week" and is about to play in the WTA finals.

Way to set your own mindset and recovery schedule, Kim!

I've been in one major car accident. I was driving in Spain and was broad-sided as I tried to cross a busy intersection. Once I saw that I and everyone else was okay (the cars were totaled), I put my hand on my heart and breathed for a few moments.

That's all I needed to be present and clear-minded. It was especially useful since the police officers who arrived on the scene pretended they were going to arrest me (no, I hadn't had any alcohol). As a result of my being able to be present and move on from what had just happened, not only was I able to enjoy their joke, I was also able to laugh at the tow truck that ran out of gas as it was about to lift my car.

Why time doesn't heal ANY wounds

2010-09-07T09:26:00.000-05:00

When someone is suffering emotionally we often try to comfort them by saying "It'll take time," or "Just give it a bit of time."

Unfortunately there's no special quality of time. Time itself doesn't heal wounds. 10 years never saved anyone - it's the new perspectives we discover and accept during those 10 years that makes the difference. They're the ones that helps us realize that things really are releasable.

So what are we really saying when we prescribe time? We're saying that time is what gives us that perspective (or ability to access that perspective) rather than that other perspective is available to us immediately. It may not be evident right away, but don't make your ability to recognize and adopt perspectives time-dependent. That's ceding control of an ability we all have available at any time. And not just any ability, it's the best thing to get you to move on.

What new experience are you waiting for? What are you going to know, feel, see differently later? Different perspectives are there for the taking. Seek them out! Explore them! The end of your suffering may be sooner than you think.

Take Your Pick of Reactions

2010-09-05T15:04:00.000-05:00

There are lots of emotional reactions you can choose to respond with at any given situation. One thing is certain - regardless of the situation, stress is never the best reaction - it's just a warning that something needs to change. Heed the warning, then pick a different reaction to continue with.

So go ahead and pick a reaction you you feel would better serve you when you encounter your next "stressful situation." You don't need to pick "the best" reaction, as long as it's better than stress your experience will improve. All it takes to change your reaction is practicing your desired one and a mindset to do so.

Positive Emotional Reactions
Adequate	Awe	Assured	Able
Capable	Certain	Charmed	Cheerful
Comfortable	Compassion	Courageous	Confident
Determined	Delighted	Eager	Energetic
Enthusiastic	Excited	Exhilarated	Expectant
Elation	Empathy	Excellent	Fascinated
Glad	Good	Great	Grateful
Glorious	Glamorous	Graceful	Happy
Hopeful	Humorous	Inspired	Interested
Joyful	Magnificent	Lust	Love
Pleasure	Playfulness	Peaceful	Pleasant
Powerful	Prideful	Upbeat	Relaxed
Relieved	Satisfied	Surprised	Sympathy
Stable	Sublime	Superior	Thrilled

Negative Emotional Reactions
Annoyed	Anxious	Apprehensive	Agonize
Anger	Anxiety	Apathy	Bored
Burdened	Cautious	Competitive	Concerned
Confused	Contempt	Depressed	Destructive
Disgusted	Distracted	Doubtful	Disappointed
Exasperated	Exhausted	Embarrassment	Envy
Frustrated	Fear	Guilty	Greed
Grief	Harassed	Hesitant	Hostile
Ignored	Impatient	Indifferent	Intimidated
Isolated	Irritated	Jealous	Jumpy
Lonely	Mad	Manipulated	Miserable
Obnoxious	Overwhelmed	Panic	Pressured
Remorse	Revenge	Shame	Sad
Scared	Shocked	Suspicious	Stress
Tired	Uncomfortable	Uneasy	Used
Wary	Weary	Wasteful

This list was compiled by SelfImprovementMentor.com. There are lots more out there. Find and share them!

The other most important word in stress

2010-09-04T10:12:00.010-05:00

Stressable

adj: Situations individuals choose to react with stress to when a) something they really want is missing or b) something they don't want is present. Grouped in unique combinations based on individual preferences and history.

Did you ever look at someone stressing out and wonder what had gotten into them - that what they were making a big deal about was trivial if not utter nonsense? I guarantee others have looked at you the same way.

There's nothing that has to be stressed out about. It could be extraordinarily important or even life-threatening, but that doesn't mean you have to stress out over it (just likely that you will). You start regaining control over yourself once you start questioning if it does indeed deserve being stressed about.

The questioning begins with identifying the situations (and their underlying ideals that are being threatened) that trigger your stress reaction. Once you're aware of when you're stressing out you can decide which situations are really worth stressing about (it's a lot less than your current list).

Questions like:

Why is this not a big deal?

Why does this make my life better?

Why is this easy for me to handle?

Why will this take care of itself?

Still stressing about it? Fortunately, there's still a line of defense (or offense depending on your point of view) for dealing with stress without having to take any action on the situation - recognize that even if something is stressable, it's still releasable.

Thanks to Scott Grinberg, the Name Tag guy, for inspiring me to come up with this word. Check out his new book, -able, on Amazon.

The most important word in stress

2010-09-04T10:11:00.003-05:00

Releasable
Adj: Capable of being let go.

Everything you find stressful is releasable. Once you've decided what's really stressable in your life, your ability to succeed in moving on is dependent on how much you believe that it's releasable.

Releasing is a two step process: *

1) Awareness of where/how it's being held on to.

2) Using the relevant technique to let go.

Where are you holding something?

- In your hand? Open it.

- In your muscles? Breathe, hug, stretch, exercise, get poked (with acupuncture), massage ... whatever, try different physical/sense-releated activities and see which one works for you.

- In your mind? Don't think of an elephant.

You may have done this one in the past - someone tells you not to think of an elephant and you can't help but think of the many aspects of that elephant ... how big it is, it's color, trunk length, etc. You can't couldn't but think of the elephant. The same is true for this stressful thing you're holding onto in your head.

Do you remember how many vowels are in the title of this blog post?

By the way, you just stopped thinking of elephants. That's the key, thinking of something else. And if you recognize that you can let go of a thought once, you can do it twice, and if you can do it twice, you can keep doing it - each time for longer and longer periods. Eventually you'll release it forever. (Byron Katie talks a lot about this.)

Think anything isn't releaseable? Let me know in a comment!

* (Note: You don't have to do anything about the situation to make the stress about it go away. Please listen to what stress is indicating that you'd like changed and pick a different reaction when you attempt to deal with it.)

Presentation on August 11th: The Game of Stress

2010-08-08T16:23:00.004-05:00

Please join me at the upcoming Applied Improvisation Network (AIN) NY regional meeting on Wednesday, August 11th.

The event is open to improvisers and non-improvisers alike who want to improve their applied improvisation skills and learn more about using improv games as a form of experiential learning in a business/organizational setting.

The evening will consist of some getting-to-know-you games, opportunities to share your favorite and most effective exercises, and I will present - The Game of Stress. (This will be a mini version of the workshop that I will present in September at this year's AIN conference in Amsterdam.)

About The Game of Stress: Discover insights and workable solutions to even your most overwhelming situations resulting in an immediate reduction of stress in your life. Bring your stressful situations and we’ll apply improv exercises to the stress-release methods introduced in my book, The Gift of Stress.

After the session, we'll discuss the exercises used, other ways it could have been facilitated, and conclude with a game swap.

Date/Time:
Wednesday, August 11th
6:30 to 9:30 PM

Location:
Teachers College, Columbia University
525 West 120th Street b/w Broadway and Amsterdam
map

Directions:
Take the 1 train to 116th (and Broadway). Walk four blocks North on Broadway, then turn right on 120th. The entrance is half-way down the block on the North side of the street. If you do not see Zohar or Caitlin waiting by the guard's desk, just tell the guard you are going to room 305 in the library. Take the elevator to the third floor, walk through the large reading room to the set of study rooms in the back. We will be in room 305.

Cost: $5 suggested donation to help cover snacks.

RSVP to ainnycmeeting@gmail.com so we can estimate supplies and room size.

The Gift of Stress: the first edition is now a limited edition

2010-08-04T14:22:00.000-05:00

The "good" news is that people have really enjoyed and benefited from applying the tools, tips and techniques in The Gift of Stress (check out the reviews on Amazon!)

In the process of promoting the book and getting it into retail outlets (Quest Bookshop being the first to carry it), it got into the hands of a literary agent (Laura Ross from Jill Grinberg Literary Management). Long story short, I'm now in the process of submitting The Gift of Stress to major publishers.

The "bad" news is that I won't be able to sell or print more copies of the book once the proposal I'm writing gets sent out. And if it gets picked up by a publisher, it'll be unavailable for another year.

All this is to say that I'm really proud that the book has been so well received, and bummed that it has to be taken off the shelves so soon. So if you were planning on purchasing a copy, please don't delay. There are less than 100 copies left and they won't be available much longer.

What We Gain By Being Curious Rather Than Critical

2010-07-04T15:41:00.002-05:00

Author Joe Queenan reread Ben Franklin's book, Poor Richard’s Almanac, and shared his thoughts in a July 4th NY Times article called, Ben Franklin s a Big Fat Idiot. It's a well-meaning piece on the man he considers to be a "titan" worthy of his "esteem and affection". That's why it seems odd to me that Queenan doesn't give Franklin's work - one that he has admired for decades! - enough credit. It was the article's concluding paragraph that particularly bothered me.

I still admire Ben Franklin, and will never cease to do so. But from now on, that homage will be qualified. Much as I hate to admit it, sayings like “If it were not for the belly, the back might wear gold” and “A life of leisure and a life of laziness are two things” just don’t cut the mustard. They’re the kind of pointless, obtuse, third-rate flapdoodle Franklin himself would have hated, and for which there is only one proper response: Hey, buddy, go fly a kite.

First of all, one's homage should always be qualified. Admire, believe in, follow, but never blindly.

Second, Queenan abandons much of his favorite historical figure's work. In his race to critique, he misses the opportunity re-find wisdom in the words. One should look to their past inspirations not with a critical mind but a curious one.

In the conclusion, Queenan dismisses the line “a life of leisure and a life of laziness are two things.” Rather than seeking fault, he could have tried to find Franklin's reasoning by asking questions like "How could Franklin's words be right?" and "What's special about them being "two things?"

As a guy whose life revolves around releasing stress, Queenan's dismissal of this line was particularly disappointing to me. I regularly talk with people who feel that if they don't work hard (avoiding leisure) nothing will get done (laziness). Franklin's words correctly state that leisure does not necessitate laziness. They are two separate things. You can get plenty done in a relaxed manner. Plus, the fact of the matter is that everything can't get done, nor should everything that can be done actually be done. This is often overlooked in our do-more society (the Story of the Mexican Fisherman comes to mind).

Third, the attitude of "Hey buddy, if it's not going to be brilliant after 200 years, don't write it!" is a really hostile and unproductive one to have. I have a feeling that Queenan wouldn't ever write a word (let alone this article or his books) if that standard was applied to his own writing.

Lastly, "go fly a kite"? I know it's a historical quip, but in our society it's also a blow-off. If you wouldn't say it to your titan's face (and I have a hard time believing Queenan would), don't write it.

Boring + Fun = Not Boring

2010-05-13T10:01:00.001-05:00

When we take the time to add fun to a situation it gets transformed. A lot of people use stress/deadlines/self-flagellation as motivation to do something. Yet we all have things that we do because there's an inner motivation - have you ever had to give yourself a deadline to get dessert?

VolkWagon has a campaign that shows innovative ways they've gotten people to do "boring" things - they call it The Fun Theory. Their most popular video shows how to get people to use the stairs instead of taking the escalator. (Thanks to Shreedevi for reminding me of the campaign.)

For those who want to take the stairs more, but are on a budget, feel free to substitute "piano" for "humming a song" as you walk up.

UPDATE:
Yesterday I played croquet with some friends - it's a fun game, but can become boring quickly. To add some fun I came up with the idea of giving each player the opportunity to place an obstacle (usually a bag) on the field once per game, at least 18 inches from a wicket. This addition created a sense of excitement and unpredictability that changed the tide each game.

Have you added an element of fun to a "boring" activity? Share it in the comments!

New Stop Stressing Radio Show: Being Alone, Driving & Texting

2010-05-12T11:49:00.002-05:00

The latest episodes of the Stop Stressing Radio Show are available for download!

In the May 3rd episode my co-host Michele Lamoureux and I discussed how the stress of being alone impacts our health and relationships, as well as what you can do about it.

In the May 10th episode we discussed the impact of the new laws on driving and texting, and how they relate to other times where something we've grown used to gets taken away.

Lots of stories, tips and concepts are shared! Particularly how to apply the Four Diffusers to each of the situations and points of view.

Listen to the podcast directly or download it from our station's site.

New shows are recorded live every Monday at 2pm, audience call-ins are welcome! (347) 857-3382.

Have a topic you'd like discussed? Leave a comment to this post or send me an email: zo AT StopStressingOut dot Com

An Interview About Stress and Humor

2010-05-07T11:36:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week I was interviewed by Drew Tarvin of HumorThatWorks.com - a site dedicated to helping corporations, companies, managers, employees, and even your average Joe (or Joe-ette) bring humor into the workplace and life in general.

Highlights from our talk include:

The Gift of Stress (0:35)
Why We Suck at Handling Stress (5:50)
Can You Become Stress-Free (9:40)
The Seven Rs of Stress Release (16:30)
The All Important Reminder (20:14)
Humor as a Diffuser (27:15)
The Stress of a Haircut (32:06)

You can listen to the interview and download the transcript here.

The first episode of Stop Stressing with Zohar, Michele and Scott is up!

2010-04-29T09:04:00.000-05:00

We discussed how allergies impact our health, cause us to shift lifestyles, and give a lot of new things to be aware of while taking away some of the control and freedom we usually take for granted. Lots of stories, tips and concepts are shared!

Play directly or download it:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/stopstressing

Announcing the Stop Stressing Radio Show

2010-04-20T02:42:00.002-05:00

Are you stressed out? Would you like to access new ways to deal with your stress better? Join experienced life coaches, Zohar Adner, Michele Lamoureux, and Scott Shane Holt, as they take on the daily stressors in our lives -- Money, Relationships and Health.

Each week you'll gain a new perspective and tips to manage your own stressful situations. This series is effective, fun, and insightful - you're gonna love it!

Listen and call in every Monday at 2pm Eastern Time starting on April 26th.

http://www.BlogTalkRadio.com/StopStressing

(Call-in number: (347) 857-3382)

Supporting a Charity

2010-04-12T13:59:00.000-05:00

I believe that programs that give creative outlets and opportunities for people helps people find meaning and passion in their lives which in turn makes the world a better place.

In that spirit I've donated three coaching sessions and a copy of The Gift of Stress in the support of the great people at Figure Skating in Harlem - a pioneering not-for-profit organization that provides girls ages 6-18 with vital educational and skating opportunities that build self-worth and promote physical well being and academic achievement.

Please support their efforts with an auction bid on CharityBuzz.com too and get a bargain to boot! As they say, Do Good, Live Well.

The Stressed-Out Job Search

2010-03-22T17:10:00.001-05:00

As happy as I am that the healthcare reform bill passed, we're still a long way from living lives without stress and with the other reactions we'd prefer to take its place.

Until then, here's some other good news (as reported in the Maplewood Patch) - the members of the Professionals in Transition group that meets in the main branch of the Maplewood, NJ Public Library are closer to releasing their stress - insurance or not.

We covered how searching for jobs, particularly those searches that extend far beyond initial expectations, have many unfamiliar and unexpected aspects - like explaining a job you do well in the space and format of a resume, cover letter, and interview. After all, these people have been learning how to do their jobs well for decades, not how to write about or discuss them.

Are you dealing with a lot of new situations?

A peek into a recent workshop

2010-03-22T12:16:00.000-05:00

I recently gave a talk presenting the Key Points of Stress Release from in The Gift of Stress:
- Stress is Optional
- My definition of stress
- The Four Diffusers: Gap, Attachment, Familiarity, and Mood.

Join me at my next event where I'll go into more detail and gift the audience with bookmarks that have the Key Points on them as well. Or contact me and we'll create an event just for you group.

Book Launch Party!

2010-03-03T12:23:00.019-05:00

The 2/22 book launch party was a big success!
Over 50 people turned out to celebrate the release of The Gift of Stress.

As part of the festivities, I was able to bring together local friends and business to donate (i.e. give gifts) their products and services towards a free raffle! Everyone who showed up was given a raffle ticket, and could get more raffle tickets for each copy of the book they bought. They then put the ticket in a box designated to the prize they wanted to try for.

I would like to extend a special thanks to my donors:

http://www.MagnetTheater.com - Level 1 improv class

http://www.feng-shui-design-interiors.com - Feng Shui for more money or a new honey

http://www.SushiBySimon.com - Sushi class

http://www.StoryPirates.org - 4 tickets to a any upcoming show

http://www.ObliqSound.com - 4 CDs: "Speak" by Michael Olatuja; "Sira" by Ablaye Cissoko & Volker Goetze; "Abyss" by Jacques Schwarz-Bart; "Like Water" by Anne Drummond

http://www.AndrewShapiro.com - 1 CD: "Numbers, Colors, and People"

http://squeezethestone.org - 1 DVD: "A Good Uplift"

Tips for better sleep

2010-02-19T08:26:00.004-05:00

As stated in a previous post stress has a tremendous impact on your quality of life.

Here are some practical tips I’ve shared with people who want to fall asleep more quickly and improve the quality of their rest:

Figure out how much sleep you need. This may seem obvious, but most people don’t sleep enough. The average adult needs between 7 and 8 hours of sleep. Find your body’s preferred amount, and make that the priority (not the activities that are taking its place). Then set yourself a firm time to get to bed.

Account for your pre-sleep routine. Most people have between a 15-30 minute routine of things they do before head. The problem is that this time often isn’t accounted for.

No TV or computer at least 30 minutes before bed. The problem is that TVs and monitors are active light sources (things that emit light). Our bodies are wired to stay extra-alert when looking at an active light source because it usually meant danger.

Dim the lights. Installing a dimmer switch for your bedroom’s lights or a low-wattage bulb for the lamp near your bed will remind your body that it’s time to relax.

Reading or listen to something calming. No drama, thrillers, that you can’t put down. No fast beats with engrossing lyrics. Pre-bed time is for winding down; you’re better off reading or listening to something that maintains your interest for about 7 minutes (2-3 pages). That's just enough time to stop thinking about your day and drift away.

Keep a pad of paper by the bed. If your mind starts racing anyway, use your pad to write down the thoughts as they come in. Don’t worry about grammar or punctuation. Just write. As the words come out, they’ll stay stuck in the page and you’ll be able to unwind. If you don’t they’ll stay stuck in your head and your mind will race trying to remember them for the morning. You’re better off being able to jot them down right away. As a bonus, the physical action of writing can also be tiring.

Remember, you'll sleep better as long as you do one of the above tips. Please don't try to incorporate all of them at once. For best results, pick the tip that most appeals to you then do it for 21 days in a row to ingrain it into your routine before you add another technique.

Have a tip or technique that helps with your own sleep? Please share it in a comment!

(Note: the picture is of me taking a nap in Patagonia back in 2000. My days were packed with rich experiences and I basically had no access to electronic devices. I have never slept so consistently well.)

Overcoming obstacles, hindrances, and the like

2010-02-16T12:54:00.002-05:00

I recently brought up an ambitious project with someone close to me. The immediate response was was, "you can't do that."

Two things came up for me:
1) I don't like hearing that I can't do something.
I prefer to explore all the options before believing a term as definite as "can't". Maybe it's the hours I've spent playing Freecell, trying to find my way out of an unpleasant layout.

In any case, I'd much rather determine for myself that I'm in a dead-end than accept the opinion of someone with equally limited information.

2) Of course I can; I just don't know how yet.

I really enjoy coming up with creative solutions to problems - it's one of my strengths (and yours too! If you can imagine why something won't work, you can imagine why it will).

So what's the course of action? Instead of arguing "can vs. can't" shift the conversation to "How can I?"

Check out page 97 of The Gift of Stress for more on how to Change the Questions You Ask Yourself.

One for the broken hearted

2010-02-12T10:14:00.001-05:00

My favorite dying line of a movie ...

Harold: I love you.

Maude: Harold... that's wonderful. Go and love some more.

So often we get caught up in the unknown of what will happen after what we're used to ends. That unknown is scary. There's more to the story than we can see at such dramatic times.

You mean the story goes on? I have to love again? But it won't be the same!!

And?

Everything changes and evolves.

I hope you've seen the movie Up. If not, I'm not giving much away when I tell you that the growth depicted of the kid-->old man's love for his friend-->wife is so moving that when I saw it half the audience was in tears. It's a glorious relationship.

But It's when he takes the leap and allows himself to love the scout and bird that he's finally open to the next chapter of his life. And since he's alive, he might as well live. So he makes active choices to decide what he's going to do and who he wants to join him for that part of the journey.

What's the next chapter of your life? What do you want to do?

Confusing stress with motivation

2010-02-10T21:14:00.002-05:00

Do you use tension as a motivator? A lot of people put themselves in situations where they feel pressure to finish a project. The problem is that we start making an association that without stress you're not going to do anything.

This is just not true. Once you're doing something you actually find interesting and appealing you the action to follow through comes naturally. The activity actually becomes a labor of love... like eating ice cream.

How much pressure and "motivation" do you need to go to the freezer and set yourself up with a serving of your favorite flavor? I'd say it's pretty effortless - just something within you that gets you up and acting.

The trick is finding that same connection in whatever you've been using stress for.

More on stressless motivation can be found on page 42 in The Gift of Stress.

Why reinvent the wheel?

2009-12-22T09:21:00.000-05:00

You've quoted from books, used song lyrics to express yourself, sent a picture that someone else took. Sometimes what you're trying to say has already been said. So why go through the hassle?

Happy holidays everyone!

(credit to the Huffington Post via Anthony King for the photo)

Thanks - my acknowledgement

2009-11-24T12:31:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I sent my book to the printer.

I owe a huge debt of gratitude to those who have helped me along the four-year journey of writing The Gift of Stress. I certainly couldn’t have completed this project without the tremendous support of my many friends and colleagues. In particular:

Janice Wright, who helped me get started. Al Desetta, who first put my scattered thoughts and words into one document. Scott Shane Holt and Lyndell Moore, who honed draft after draft. Fran Vogel, Saryn Goldberg and Shreedevi Thacker, who shared much appreciated direction and insight. Kate Addicott, my editor, who sat with me dozens of times and always had the right answer. David Edelstein, one of my oldest friends, who also edited and literally gave shape to the book. Dr. Gideon Orbach, DC, for helping me understand how stress affects the body. Alex Linsker and Michael Weitz, who have helped me be more like myself. Itay Blasenheim, who checks on everything I do. My brother, Ron, who gives the best yay and nay. And my parents,

to whom this book is dedicated, for being honest and enthusiastic.

I also recognize that I could not have learned as much as I have about who I am and what I do without all my workshop attendees, clients, mentors, trainees, coaches, and all the random people I interact with from day to day.

And a happy Thanksgiving to all!

Dealing with perfectionism

2009-11-22T10:55:00.002-05:00

Most of the time I'm a big-picture kind of guy, but every once in a while I will get caught up in the minutiae of a project.

You may have heard of the line, "Don't let 'perfect' get in the way of 'good enough.'" I think that's very true, particularly for something subjective and/or evolving (like writing). At some point you have to say, "it's done."

I try to live a life of purpose with high standards. As a result I've put a lot of extra pressure on myself to ensure that I put out something as close to perfect as possible (or at least not inferior). This mindset has resulted in a lot of extra stress. Stress is helpful up to a point (see eustress), but after that it's unproductive (and it always takes a toll on the body).

Fortunately, back in seventh grade science class my friend, Eli, told me, "Zohar, you're perfect minus one."

It was a line he quickly forgot, but it's stuck with me ever since. I can't tell you how much pressure that "minus one" takes off. It gives me permission and acceptance. "Minus one" is really darn close - definitely enough to surpass the "good enough" threshold. And if that's the way I am when I act naturally, well then...

It means my reputation and past performance is solid enough with people who know me to give me the benefit of the doubt - where they expect good things and tolerate or overlook the minus ones.

What about those that don't yet know me? They'll come around. I didn't know the people I currently know until I met them.

I've found that most of the time people get caught up in perfection they've lost touch with (or never had a clear definition) of "good enough."

When in doubt ask for perspective, get some assistance, and reconsider if what's being attempting is worth doing at all.

Moving on from judgment

2009-11-20T00:22:00.009-05:00

I'm about to send my book, The Gift of Stress, to the printer.

Back in the days when I was a student I would get judged all the time... for my writing, tests, attendance, etc. Looking back, the nice thing about those days was that you'd get one grade, and then you'd move on.

When I'd perform improv I'd have the same feeling - it was one-and-out. My performance was a one-time thing and if you were in the audience you'd react to it in the moment and then it'd fade. Everyone would move on.

In 5th grade I made a stupid comment in class that a few people teased me about until sometime in high school when it faded. I think it helped that there was no written record. Even then we moved on.

It doesn't work that way for a book that you want a lot of people to read - one that you've billed as the culmination of four years of work. It's easier to write-off a bad appearance on Letterman than a book. People almost expect you to screw up on national television. But a book? You had all the time you wanted for it. In fact, since most books that are started aren't completed there's a higher expectation for it (after all, if it wasn't good you would have given up on it. Right?)

So each person reading it will judge the work. And it will continue to be judged pretty much forever. You can't un-write a book. And these days it's google-able forever.

The bad news is that I still want everyone to love it, or not disagree, or at least cut me some slack. The good news is, that I believe I'm about to share a quality product (and the semi-objective feedback I've gotten has been universally positive).

So what really matters in all this? How I'm feeling in the moment. Is it stress? Is it joy? Something else? Right now I want to feel excitement and joy. oooh, maybe even gliddy!

P.S. I didn't put so much effort into a book just to move on from it (at least that's my perspective right now). I can picture that in a decade or two I'll want people to move on from it and pay attention to my latest brilliant work.

Healing Power of Improv

2009-11-19T12:47:00.006-05:00

I just came back from Portland, OR where I co-lead a workshop about health, laughter and stress with Sue Walden.

We discussed:

- The impact of laughter and stress on health
- The impact of laughter on the creative process
- Laughter Yoga exercises
- The Four Intensifiers/Diffusers of Stress

and gave a ton of resources.

You can find a pretty detailed write-up on the Applied Improvisation Network's site.

Going off the beaten path

2009-11-10T08:25:00.001-05:00

I went mushroom hunting today for the first time. It was such an innocent thrill to traipse through the brush, over mossy logs, and discover hidden treasures - nature's on-going Easter Egg hunt.

One nagging thought kept gnawing at me. Most times I've gone hiking in the past have been in parks with signs telling me to stay on the trail. Unknown consequences loomed - a warning, a fine, expulsion. Well, that wasn't the case today, but letting go of those recurring thoughts took effort since I'd lived with them for so long. The easiest way was to recognize the pattern I had been tied to and consciously immerse myself in the new experience.

(I got so caught up that I forgot to take my camera out and photograph the hunt or the 3 pounds of chantrelles we picked - the photo in this post is from here.)

Grinding out the stress

2009-10-08T13:41:00.007-05:00

A NY Times article today discussed how there's been a 15% rise in sales of night guards for teeth - much of it due to increased levels of stress.

While using a guard is a good idea to calm your nerves and save your teeth in the short run, wouldn't you rather get rid of stress at it's root? (puns intended)

My book is coming next month - The Gift of Stress: How to Act on the Urgent Message That's Trying to Save Your Life

I recommend reviewing some of the past posts on sleep to deal with the advice mentioned in the final paragraph of the article:

“Good sleep hygiene goes a long way to keeping the mind relaxed and the jaws from starting to smack together,” said Dr. McCracken, who has studied the relation of sleep to teeth grinding. “We know that the stress center of the brain is directly next to the part of the brain that controls teeth grinding. We’re not sure how it relates to the disorder, but it’s intriguing. Lately, I even tell my patients, before they go to bed, not to watch the news.”

Cleaning up

2009-06-29T09:27:00.001-05:00

Spring or in my case Summer cleaning has always brought its share of stress mostly due to a lot of uncertainty about what to do with a lot of papers and chotchkies that I’ve collected since my last overhaul.

While I’ve already done a lot of the basics to getting through a clean-up/re-organization of my office clutter, this time I’m approaching it with a different set of criteria:

Would I keep this if I were moving?

As a result, lots of papers that I’d organized, or would have filed away “just in case” were tossed into my recycling or to-be-shredded pile. While it was a little uncomfortable at first, I felt lighter by the end.

It changed the feel of my space up so much that clients and visitors mentioned how much better they felt just being in the space.

The next time you take a crack at your clutter, pretend that you’ll be lifting and hauling it around to your next home. Is it worth it now?

Now there's a guide to healthy eating in NYC

2009-05-20T08:58:00.003-05:00

What you eat affects your body in many way - including your stress level. Now there's finally a guide to healthy restaurants in New York - Clean Plates NYC.

Starting with a guide to nutrition and continuing with 75 reviews of delicious restaurants and 7 chef interviews, this guide is a must-have for the health-consious metropolitan. (They even created a mobile phone app for it)

I'm delighted to be able to offer my readership and site visitors a 10% discount! Enter the code: StopStressingOut at checkout and you'll get 10% off your purchase.

NY Daily News: "Food critic Alex Van Buren and nutritional consultant Jared Koch got together and researched more than 300 restaurants, dinng at more than 125 so they could provide accurate, on the money advice. Besides the listings, there’s a great guide of tips for eating healthier"

For the manager of a solid company whose staff insists the sky is falling

2009-04-23T09:28:00.003-05:00

Talk to them individually to get confirmation on what they each think is happening or will happen to the company. This will also provide an opportunity to find out if there's one particular person stirring the negativity pot, or if something non-work related is affecting their mood at the office.

Try to help with the non-work related issues privately.

Then bring the group together and have the luncheon where you list, in a very caring tone, the concerns they've brought up. Ask if there's anything else, and then address each point. You should include anecdotes for times you've dealt with similar issues, openly talk about the financial situation (if relevant), and set your direction for the future (including what role they'll each be playing in that direction).

Then go bowling afterwards - who doesn't love bowling?

What Bernie Madoff Couldn’t Steal From My Friend

2009-04-09T06:53:00.002-05:00

Everyone's been affected by the recession. My friend, Matt, just happened to be affected by the now most famous of frauds, Bernie Madoff. There's a few interesting things about Matt though - he's got a great attitude, is resourceful, and is a very talented speaker who can share his story like no other.

Below is a video of a speech he gave recently. It touches on the themes of things I strongly believe in - stress is a reaction, you can choose your own reactions, leverage your community to bring yourself greater happiness, Antarctica is a cool place (pardon the pun).

A quick intro by Matt:

"I want to preface this by saying that if this is the first you are hearing that Geneen and I were long-time investors with Bernie Madoff and got financially whacked when he turned out to be a fraud--- I want you to know that we’re doing okay. More than okay, actually--- we’ve both been in a fabulously creative period this past few months since the Madoff debacle. Enjoy the video (no, really, it has some good laughs in it!) and please pass the link on to anyone you know who might find it valuable.
Much love,
Matt"

(in case you can't see the video - see it directly on YouTube)

Free Intro to Stress Reduction workshop on Saturday, 2/21

2009-02-19T09:27:00.005-05:00

Wish you had more control over stress?

Come to the FREE Intro to Stress Release workshop I'm running for the community this Saturday, 2/21 @ 3pm.

In only 90 minutes you'll have tools to understand, control, and release your biggest, most overwhelming stress.

Some guarantees*:

You'll gain new insights to your life
You'll relax
You'll laugh

I only do these freebies once a year, so take advantage.

The JCC in Manhattan
334 Amsterdam Ave. @ 76th St

Subway: 1/2/3 to 72nd St.

More info about JCC's R&R can be found here:
http://www.jccmanhattan.org/category.aspx?progid=18902&catid=1469

*or your money back!

What should you do with your life?

2009-02-16T18:11:00.001-05:00

Tired of wondering what you should do with your life?
Start with the question, "What do I want to be good at?" (grammar be damned)

See where your thoughts flow from there.
What directions come up? What possibilities? What stories? What experiences? What friends? What heroes?

Pick one or two things. It doesn't have to be irrefutably "right" and lead to a perfect life. It just has to be worth the next step - a book, lecture, class, internship, job, trip, whatever.

Chances are you'll enjoy that journey and people you meet along the way more than if you had done nothing (again).

Want to be happy? Talk to your neighbor

2008-12-04T23:56:00.005-05:00

A Harvard Medical School study is about to be published in BMJ (a British journal) that adds weight to SSO's definition of stress: Stress is a reaction that commonly occurs when your current situation doesn't match your ideal version of that situation.

The operative word is commonly.

According to the NY Times article the study shows a positive impact of people around you being happy - particularly those who see and are physically close to.

"A next-door neighbor’s joy increased one’s chance of being happy by 34 percent, but a neighbor down the block had no effect. A friend living half a mile away was good for a 42 percent bounce, but the effect was almost half that for a friend two miles away. A friend in a different community altogether can win an Oscar without making you feel better. “You have to see them and be in physical and temporal proximity,” Dr. Christakis said."

This study also confirms the efficacy of the 6th R of Stress Release - Remind. The more reminders you have about your progress and desired state, the easier it will be to maintain.

So go out there and hang out with happy people!

Caffeine vs Napping

2008-12-03T07:32:00.005-05:00

I've always found the siesta to be a great idea. Working from home most days has facilitated this greatly.

For those of you who may not be able to justify to themselves why it really is okay to do so, whose boss may still not see the benefit, or who insist that an afternoon coffee is still the way to be productive in the afternoon - I give you a link to further proof that the siesta is the way to go...

The NY Times just ran an article illustrating how a nap from 1-3 is more effective than a caffeine pill (or a placebo) at 3pm.

Send it around, then claim the spot for your afternoon nap. I recommend finding a place where you can go horizontal rather than just slumped in your chair.

A free wellness assessment

2008-11-25T13:21:00.004-05:00

Whether you're a teen, in college, and adult, or an older adult, the National Wellness Institute has a free assessment that will tell you how you score in these areas:

Physical
Sexuality
Nutrition
Emotional
Self Care
Intellectual
Safety
Occupational
Environment
Spirituality

An online study of Jewish stress

2008-11-24T08:25:00.005-05:00

It's like finding needles in a haystack, but for the one or two Jews out there who are stressed or worried there's a study going on right now at jpsych.com by Bowling Green State University PhD student, David H. Rosmarin, that "hopes to evaluate the effectiveness of two different treatments for stress and worry among Jews, delivered via the internet."

Qualifying participants for the 14-day study will be randomly assigned to receive 'treatments' that are spiritual-based, conventional, or no treatment. After you complete your assigned treatment you'll have access to the spiritual or conventional treatments for a year.

I can't tell you more details because I didn't qualify for the study ... not enough stress.

Looking forward to hearing back from those of you who do qualify!

(thanks to Lyn for the 411)

Not sure if you're happy? How much TV do you watch?

2008-11-21T11:10:00.002-05:00

The NY Times just put out an article discussing a recent study about an activity that happy people do less of - watch TV.

This doesn't really surprise me because happiness tends to be an active, engaging state. And let's face it, there aren't that many amazing things on TV that leave us feeling upbeat.

Crime shows, news, reality TV, infomercials, lame sitcoms are the majority of what's available - these are not themes that lead us feeling upbeat - usually because we do it far longer than our interests really last.

Unlike socializing, going to church and reading newspapers (some of the other activities the study mentions) - where we take an active role, and when we're feeling done we move on, the shows keep coming, but it's hard to turn off the TV.

What can you do? (in increasing order of TV time)

Get out of the house
Throw out your TV so you're forced to do other things
Make activities around the home as easy to initiate as turning on the TV (and put reminders on the remote to remind you of them)
Set up a timer so you only watch a certain amount - turning off the alarm should require getting up
Only watch shows you find uplifting

More "Advice from the Experts"

2008-11-21T11:04:00.003-05:00

I recently contributed to an response on Career Builder's CBCampus.com blog (a service to college students and alumni to assist in the job search process) to this post by a student seeking more options than what she found at the career services office.

Stress: just how unhealthy is it?

2008-10-09T10:24:00.004-05:00

Really, really unhealthy.

A documentary recently aired on PBS that follows Stanford professor, Robert Sapolsky's, detailed study about the effects of stress - http://killerstress.stanford.edu/

The gist:
Animals living on a Kenyan National Reserve experience high levels of stress for a few moments when trying to escape being eaten and then returning to normal

Typical humans in western civilization experience equally high levels of stress for rather mundane, non-life threatening situation, and have a hard time letting those stress levels go back down to the original - non-stressed levels.

There's also a section where he talks about his own stress - and he's a pretty high-strung guy. In it he shares how, while it works for others, meditating for a few minutes a day would cause him even more stress. Of course it would, it's not easy from having a head that's been running around quite quickly shift into low gear. That would be like reliving one of my worst cinema double-feature experiences - watching Run Lola Run followed by The Straight Story.

Yet, we still have to ask ourselves - is the damage being done by maintaining the faster pace worth the "productivity"?

(Thanks to Scott for the link that inspired this post).

Trying to solve a problem? Take a nap

2008-09-29T16:20:00.004-05:00

I've always been a big proponent of naps - and can pretty much take one regardless of the environment.

The NY Times recently ran an article about a study that shows significant increases in memory and creativity immediately after sleep, and discusses the benefits of companies that have introduced nap-pods at the workplace.

No wonder I'm most productive in the morning!

(click on image for the cool blog post from highbridnation.com where I got the image)

5 essentials for an effective resume

2008-09-15T13:51:00.002-05:00

The key to an outstanding resume is getting into the head of the person reading it. How? Follow these tips!

The job posting is the key - Each posting lists a short description of the company, the job responsibilities and the qualifications you're expected to bring. Use a highlighter to mark the most important skills and talents they're looking for and make sure they're in your resume.

The resume is a sales letter - The purpose of the resume is to get the interview. So write it with that purpose. Include enough information to make it clear that they should talk with you and not more.

The resume is not a biography - Too many people include every detail of their life "just in case." You wouldn't put your mom's name on your resume, so don't include every detail of what you've done in school or past jobs, just the ones that would be of most interest to the person reading it. If it's not stated or heavily implied in the job posting leave it out.

Make the most of what you include - Employers are busy people so choose phrasing that will be the most specific and require the least thinking from them. You're the one who needs to explicitly state that as head of your science project team you delegated assignments for its 5 members and finished 2 weeks ahead of schedule.

Spellcheck is not enough - Read your resume aloud - twice! Then ask at least two other people to do the same in front of you too. That way you'll catch it when you write that you have 'prefect' attendance.

Coaching misperception

2008-08-26T18:40:00.004-05:00

Partnering with a coach

is not
asking for help
with things you can't do;

it's
getting support
for things you want to do.

Outline for an intimate, touching, stress-free wedding speech

2008-07-26T09:47:00.008-05:00

I recently returned from a wedding where I was asked to give a speech – with less than 30 minutes to prepare. If you’d like to share a few words at a similar gathering I offer you this outline for an intimate, touching, stress-free wedding speech:

Select a theme that illustrates a trait about the groom or bride (like how they're imaginative, caring, terrible dresser).
A short introduction on how/why you know the groom or bride.
Share a little-known anecdote that illustrates their wonderful trait (the more people present you can refer to in the anecdotes the better it will be received).
Share another anecdote that illustrates how the bride (or groom) helps make that trait even better (or fixes a bad one).
Pause for a moment, raise a glass, and toast the bride and groom with the lesson from your theme.

Extra tips:

Smile and make eye contact with tables in each area of the room while you’re talking.
When you talk about a specific person, look at them. If you’re telling an anecdote where you can’t look at the person you’re talking about pick a different one (seriously).
You’re not out there to look smart, clever, funny, etc. – just make everyone feel good and you’ve succeeded.
Keep it short - 2 to 5 minutes at most.
Talk slowly – there’s a natural tendency to talk quickly when addressing a large audience. You’ll be better understood if you make a point of talking slowly.
Practice in front of a mirror or friend.

Keeping it together: Five actions that make employees (or relations) want to stick around

2008-07-14T08:34:00.002-05:00

Employee turnover has a tremendous cost to any organization - lost productivity, cost of recruitment, lower morale for the remaining staff, etc. Here are my top five methods that any organization can use to significantly boost retention. (Families can use them to run more smoothly as well.)

#5: Clearly defined expectations - employees often run ragged trying to figure out what their job responsibilities really include, how much is enough, and when they're pushing too hard. (Are you sure your kids, parents, siblings, or friends know what you expect of them? Is it written down?)

#4: No jerks in the office - Managers should be aware of who is ruffling the most feathers and disturbing an otherwise smooth workflow (they may need to look at themselves).

#3: Ask them what bothers them most and fix it - Managers must feel comfortable sitting down and conducting an honest evaluation about what their staff is experiencing.

#2: Do more of what is working - There's no need to reinvent the wheel. Expand policies that employees are already enjoying. Do them bigger, better, and more often.

For example, make them available to families when both decision-makers feel like they are being treated well, two (or more) opinions have to change for one employee to leave.

#1: Vision pairing - Ensure that the department's goals the same as its members. People get excited about working on something that they believe in and are proud of. Sometimes this means revisiting the hiring process to make sure the best-fits are brought on board.

Costs = zero or minimal
Effectiveness = huge. Particularly when you consider the various impacts that turnover has on a company - both on those that leave, but especially on those that stay.

Implement these methods and you'll get to confront problems such as employees sporting these on their desks.

How Ikea can tear you apart or bring you closer

2008-06-17T09:55:00.005-05:00

Which mindset will you choose the next time you shop?

Tear apart:
www.nysun.com/style/brken-up-by-ikea/26328/

Bring closer:
urbanprankster.com/tag/ikea/

(Sometimes Ikea works both angles - like with their advertising campaign's slogan, "Just pack up, ship out, find a place of your own. And for all your new things, you know where to come. Make a fresh start.")

(Thanks to Alex for the link that inspired this post)

Stressing about things outside of your control

2008-06-16T20:24:00.003-05:00

When we start complaining about the price of gas or the weather what we're really trying to figure out is, "How am I going to fit this new info into my already overwhelmed life?"

If you maintain a wellness cushion you'll be in a clearer frame of mind
for the variations that will occur at some point.

It's why you're better off with:

- 6+ months of living expenses saved in the bank (your job may not be there tomorrow)

- giving yourself 20 minutes between meetings (they run long and bathroom breaks should be a priority)

- filling up on gas when there's still half a tank left (it's the last thing you want to think about when you're running late for a meeting)

- leaving one night a week open (it's nice to be able to take up a last minute offer of theater tickets or have dinner with a friend who just flew into town)

A tale of two allergies

2008-05-16T07:59:00.003-05:00

Allergies are the worst of times (but they don't have to be).

Here are two examples:
--------------
Tale #1
Two weeks ago I was at brunch with a friend of mine and noticed a red blotch on his arm. I asked him what it was and he said it was a rash from an allergic reaction and that the blotches were actually all over his body.

I suggested he try X

15 minutes later the rash had diminished, and 90 minutes later it was 90% gone.

--------------
Tale #2
Last week I was talking with a woman taking three different allergy medications, but still suffering from a stuffed-up nose and feeling drowsy.

I suggested she try X

15 minutes later her nose was runny.

--------------
So what is X?

X = put a little lavender oil on your fingers and lick them. If I had my capsules with me though we could have put a single drop in them and have them swallow that.

Why does it work? Because lavender is a natural antihistamine.

Lavender: creating the best of times.

Get 100% pure, therapeutic grade lavender through my website:
www.youngliving.com/zoharadner

P.S. You can also use lavender on cuts to shorten healing times.

P.P.S. Please note - I am not a medical professional and some people are allergic to lavender.

The urban dictionary grew today

2008-04-29T22:42:00.004-05:00

I invented a new word - siouxn

as in: c u siouxn

(see you soon)

proliferate en masse!

P.S. Get creative with usage such as:
I'm on my way and will arrive at your party siouxn
If you don't get off my lawn I'll be siouxn you
I tore my jeans and I need them siouxn
The chips are gone; Siouxn ow what should we munch?

For a piece of peace

2008-04-20T23:52:00.006-05:00

As announced last week - I was interviewed for a sidebar in Woman's World magazine where I provided 5 tips to lower your stress and increase your sense of calm.

Enjoy!

(click on the image to enlarge it and be able to read the full piece)

5 more things you can do to make your life peaceful

2008-04-14T19:23:00.005-05:00

I contributed 5 tips for a sidebar in this week's Woman's World. The article is on bringing more peace into your life.

A few great tips that didn't make it into the article:
1) Recognize, Evaluate, and Secure Personal Boundaries:
Understand why your buttons (aka boundaries) are being pushed rather than just the action that triggers them.

Ask yourself: "What is it that I am sensitive to that's being triggered? Why am I sensitive to it? How is that helping me?"

2) Get the other person's perspective of the situation:
Every person sees the world differently. One person's helpful action is another's encroachment of personal space. Sustained communication and open dialogue, while taking effort in the short run, save it in the long run - that includes talking with yourself.

Ask yourself (and/or the other person): “What exactly are we arguing about? What happened that lead up to this situation? What would be a satisfactory resolution?”

3) Response-ability:
You can't change others, but you can change your response to their behavior.

Ask yourself: "How would I prefer to respond? What would it take to respond that way?"

4) Do-ability:
Every task you set before yourself is do-able (I'm not including inventors in this group). If you aren't getting it done some part of your approach or mind-set isn't working.

Ask yourself:
Do you need more time?
Is there a better time to make the attempt?
Are better tools available?
Are more hands needed?
Do you have enough information?

If you struggled with a task, and were eventually successful, take time to analyze what was different about the situation. The task may come up again.

5) The Best Response:
No matter the situation, the best response is never to "stress out."

Ask yourself: "What a better response would be?"

Then follow your advice ;)

Upset stomach? Have some mint!

2008-04-08T16:52:00.000-05:00

I'll admit it - my stomach isn't always the most serene organ. But, what I've found helps me a lot is a couple of drops of Peppermint oil added to a full glass of water; I end up feeling better immediately.

I also add Peppermint to my water when I'm looking for a healthy spruce up to my water. It has more zing than Lemon Oil, and sometimes that's what the situation calls for. Sugar-filled and artificially flavored Vitamin Water? No thanks, I'll stick to my organic and 100% pure mint.

Get rid of canker sores fast!

2008-03-14T15:36:00.002-05:00

Stress has a tremendous impact on your immune system¹. In fact, up to 90% of illness is stress-related.

Canker sores often reappear in periods of elevated stress. If they are a concern of yours, I highly recommend Gathering - a Young Living exclusive essential oil blend.

Place 2 drops on a cotton swab and then apply directly onto the sore². It can be applied when the sore is only starting to form as well. It doesn't taste particularly good, but you get over that quickly.

With 2 or 3 applications/day the sore typically goes away in 2-3 days instead of 5-6.

You can order gathering through my Young Living distributor site or calling Young Living's exceptional customer service line: 1-800-371-3515 and giving them my distributor #: 930469

¹ Cortisol build up will decrease immune function. This occurs because the immune system reacts to or is turned on by a specific set of hormones which are turned off by cortisol.

² Possible skin sensitivity. If pregnant or under a doctor's care, consult your physician. This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.

Behind the Scenes of my Letterman Taping

2008-03-10T11:20:00.000-05:00

My whole philosophy towards the Letterman taping was not to show off my coaching skills, nor to help Andy Kindler release his stress, but to have a fun time and be as cheerful as possible (and if we got to some coaching and stress-related material that'd be a great bonus.)

I taped with Letterman's crew for over an hour so there was a lot that didn't make it to the 3 minute compilation of all five coaches. Here's a few behind-the-scenes nuggets from the taping.

Intro
Stating who you are in a recording is called a 'slate.' Fortunately I've done some professional voice acting, and have a few slates under my belt. This came in extremely handy when the director asked me to introduced myself:

"Hi, my name is Zohar Adner, a Stress Release Coach with Stop Stressing Out.com"

The director didn't look too pleased with it. I was worried that he wasn't going to let me plug my website, but a moment later he asked me to, "take out the 'hi'."

I smiled; said, "Of course!" and just said the 'hi' in my head before proceeding. Why is it so important to say 'hi'? Because when you want to come off as friendly as possible, a friendly 'hi' is a great way to do so.

Glasses
You may have noticed near the end of the segment that the other coaches are making comments about Andy's glasses and how they fit his face. Why did they not show me in that series of clips? Here's our exchange:

Andy Kindler: "What do you think about my glasses? Do they work for me?"
ZA: "Do you see better with them on or off?"
AK: "On."
ZA: "I guess they work for you."

Andy responded with a pouty face indicating a mix of disappointment and amusement. While Abbott and Costello would have been proud, it didn't fit into the flow.

Posture
At one point Andy was getting a little antsy for material. I had already side-stepped the glasses bit (and a number of other goading questions about the coaching profession), but he and the writer really, really wanted a critique. So I decided to bite:

AK: "If you would change ONE THING about me, what would it be."
ZA: "I'd improve your posture. Your body has a variety of common postures - each associated with a different mood. When you want to feel less stress, shift your posture, and you'll feel your stress level instantly decrease."

Unfortunately the theory behind my suggestion wasn't shared with the viewing public.

On the phone
While I coached Andy on a park bench (which I have done a few times on gorgeous days for my one-on-one coaching clients in the lower Manhattan area), I conduct the majority of my coaching via telephone. At the time, the producers thought a fun way to end the entire segment would be with a shot of Andy talking on his cell phone, and then a pan/zoom across the street to me on a payphone.

Happiness 101

2008-03-01T17:48:00.000-05:00

60 Minutes recently did a series on The Key to Happiness that includes discussion on what makes Denmark the happiest country in the world, and shares former Harvard Positive Psychology professor Tal Ben-Shahar's definition of happiness (and as we know from stress, it all starts with a definition.)

The Power of Yet

2008-02-13T11:24:00.005-05:00

One of the steps to achieving consistent positive self-talk is adding the word 'Yet' to the end of a negative statement - it opens up the door for possibility (kind of like adding 'in bed' to fortune cookie predictions).

For example:
"I'm not good enough" becomes "I'm not good enough yet" (in bed)

What phrase do you use to negatively describe yourself?
How do you feel when you add 'yet' to that statement?

We're not at complete positive self-talk yet since adding 'yet' still leaves the negative phrasing in place.

Sometimes you can forgo the in-between steps and start feeling and behaving as though you've already achieved the result. Case in point this exchange in an episode of Seinfeld:

GEORGE: You're not really gonna go to California, are you?
KRAMER (points to his head): Up here, I'm already gone.

By embracing the feeling you expect to have afterwards, you can start enjoying it immediately.

The stress release --> ideal life continuum

2008-02-12T08:39:00.000-05:00

A lot of people get caught up in their stress because they're used to it.

Oh sure, they're alive, doing their 'thing', but there's more out there ... an ideal...

Most people don't dare (or know how) to expand their frame of mind beyond their current situation to dream their impossible dream (sorry Cervantes). Practicality and reasonable-ness gets in the way. The thing is that your real, underlying ideals have no basis in practicality or reason. They're dreams, and the more we let ourselves recognize the adventure that's really going on in our heads, the better.

Without this expansion, you'll have no idea what your ideal is, or how close you can get to it.

Real-life scenario:
I conducted another Key to Stress Release workshop yesterday. In it, I coach a participant through the Seven R's of Stress Release starts with helping the coachee Recognize their ideals.

Last night's participant started talking about his (potential) need to move. As he was about to describe another two-bedroom apartment, I encouraged him to think bigger - the result that he'd love to have a house in Costa Rica.

While this may seem far-fetched (Where's the practicality?!?), it turned out that it wouldn't take much nudging or planning for him to actually have a house there (perhaps one he'd share with friends and/or family for the time-being), but it was not as distant as everyone else in the room thought it would when we first went down that path.

The biggest problem with the self-help movement is ...

2008-02-11T10:34:00.002-05:00

the title 'self-help'

It makes too many people think that they should be able to read about techniques, use 5%, and tackle all their problems on their own. Change is a tough enough thing to accomplish, and just because you buy a hammer, wood and nails doesn't mean you're going to finish building your dream house.

Sometimes people end up getting caught up (or lost) in all the various things they could be doing ...

Spider Robinson penned a wonderful line - "Pain shared is lessened, joy shared, increased -- thus do we refute entropy*"

While it's up to the individual to create the change they seek, doing so in isolation is far from the best course of action. The trick is finding the right people to partner with on the journey.

Perhaps "Life's Journey" is too corny a name for what people are learning about and undertaking, but at least it's more accurate and empowering. I'm still tossing around these possibilities:
Life Development
Life Fulfillment
Life Growth
Life Actualization
Life Enhancement

In the meantime you may want to ask yourself:

What am I trying to do on my own?
Who do I know that no longer has that concern? (someone I can learn from)
What's going on in their life that I could help with?

Or hire a professional to spend less time dreaming about, crafting, and building the dream house that is your life. (A good coach will also help you enjoy the process and results more)

* entropy is the tendency for increased randomness (aka craziness & hecticness)

Stressed out caregivers

2008-02-07T08:38:00.000-05:00

The three main types of caregivers I come across are:

Parents supporting and raising their kids
Children looking after their parents
People whose job is to support others (teachers, sales people, nurses, receptionists, etc.)

The next time you talk to such a person ask, "Who's taking care of you?"

Most likely you'll get an exhaled laugh with eyes rolling up (to indicate a pipe-dream "I wish"), or down (to indicate "I gave up on that wish").

For all you caregivers out there running on fumes - it may seem impossible* to fit in, but a little time where you are the focus of the care will have a tremendous impact on your ability to provide the quality of service you're determined to give.

Whether it's an extra walk through the park, asking someone to help you, meditating for 15 minutes, taking a bath (with essential oils), light reading, a fun evening with friends, or a myriad of other options to relax and rejuvenate. You have to find a way to recharge your batteries. The people who rely on you deserve to be treated by the best you possible.

Note: Shopping, watching television, and drinking alcohol do not fit the rejuvenating criteria.

* it's not impossible, it's just different from what you're currently doing

Identifying your decision making process

2008-02-05T08:50:00.000-05:00

Much like a preferred learning modality, each of us has a preferred method of making decisions.

Knowing what to prepare, and what steps to follow will make deciding major issues on your own easier.

Plus, if you're in a group that needs to come to a consensus before moving forward, it would be much easier to get your point across if you understood how each person would like to process the issue.

Alex Linsker has come up with a great visual tool for quickly determining your decision style.

An optimistic view of stress

2008-02-04T08:14:00.000-05:00

There have been many studies on the differences between optimists and pessimists.

Overall, optimists attribute permanence, pervasive, and personal (the 3 Ps) to positive aspects of themselves and good things that happen, and only temporary status to negative ones.

"I do well on tests because I'm smart."
"I got that question wrong because it was hard."

Pessimists do the opposite - attributing the 3 Ps to negative aspects of themselves and bad things that happen and only temporary status to positive ones.

"I did well on that test because it was easy."
"I get questions wrong because I'm stupid."

Let's apply this to stress:
How much ownership do you take? How do you relate to your stress?

Consider the statements:
"Taking that test triggered a button within me."
"I get stressed when taking tests."

With the 1st statement, we've limited the scope of the effect of the test to an isolated incident.
With the 2nd statement, we've applied a universal statement to test-taking.

Which format are you using to describe the incidences in your life?

My Letterman Debut - stress free and loving it!

2008-01-28T12:14:00.000-05:00

It finally happened. All the preparation and concern for the taping, the waiting for the actual broadcast, and now that it's here I couldn't be more pleased.

Quick recap:

In October 2007, The Late Show With David Letterman requested that I be one of five life coaches to work with anxiety-ridden comedian Andy Kindler.

For 90 minutes I utilized the Seven R's of Stress Release to address his stresses with relationships, confidence, and Stand-Up life.

Read my blog entries for a more detailed account of the experience.

Go to StopStressingOut.com to watch the segment that aired on January 24th, 2008.

Letterman air-date announced!

2008-01-22T23:11:00.000-05:00

Watch as I teach even anxiety-ridden comedian Andy Kindler how he can Stop Stressing Out!

The Late Show with David Letterman
Thursday, January 24th
11:30pm (Eastern) on CBS affiliates

Proud to support a Union-backed Show

2008-01-03T07:58:00.000-05:00

I received word that my segment on Late Show with David Letterman will air soon. I may not even get 24 hours notice, but will send out a notice very soon after I do.

Everyone's expecting you to quit

2007-12-18T05:50:00.000-05:00

The difficult part of instigating change is getting the buy-in - first from yourself then from anyone else with a vital say in the matter.

But follow-through is the section where self-instigated change really falls apart. The assumption is that you won't have the energy, determination, to see things through - companies make billions on this (complaint (aka customer service) departments, marketing, etc), and politicians do as well...

I remember going to DC to join the March for Women's Lives in April, 2004. The next day GWB said something along the lines of 'everyone's entitled to their opinion' - and that was the end of that. Over 1 million people gather to speak their voice, and it gets rebuffed by one short line. Fortunately the number of protesters is enough to carry the movement even if it wasn't acted upon immediately.

Here's a response regarding Hong Kong's push for democracy:

"China knows Hong Kong can be controlled effectively ... even if there's another half million strong protest, Beijing will not be concerned," said Jin [Zhong, a veteran China-watcher and the publisher of the Hong Kong-based monthly magazine Open], referring to a pro-democracy protest in 2003. "It knows Hong Kong people are civilized, they'll go home and go to work the next day, it will pass."

As you're setting your resolutions for the coming year - rather than joining the ranks of those who expect you to quit, make sure you have enough momentum and support to carry yourself through the challenging times (set schedules, do a project with a friend, or organization, keep your purpose for the change clear, and/or get a coach).

Finding the perfect job - one week at a time

2007-12-01T12:38:00.000-05:00

Most people search for jobs online, or through a few people they know.

Sean Aiken is trying out a new job each week to find out what works for him.
Examples:
Week 2 - Talk Show Intern
Week 8 - Dairy Farmer
Week 19 - Brewmaster
Week 24 - Veterinary Assistant
Week 33 - Stock Trader

It's ambitious, he's pulling it off, and I'm fairly certain he'll end up in a place he didn't expect to be. (Perhaps being the focus of more documentaries?)

For some great videos (and ideas on what jobs are out there) visit Sean's blog - oneweekjob.com. And for help with your own career search or switch, contact me.

Duct tape gets rid of warts - now we both know

2007-11-27T09:17:00.000-05:00

In last week's Best-of episode of NPR's 'Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!' NBC news anchor Brian Williams was asked a series of questions about duct tape - the worlds most useful product.

Turns out it's also better than cryotherapy at removing warts. Here's how to do it, and a link to the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine studies in 2002 that confirmed the treatment.

Outrage - it's what people expect

2007-11-26T16:04:00.000-05:00

Many people take their sports very seriously - particularly those on the national professional level. And you'd think that the quarterback of an NFL team would be at the top of such a list.

When asked if he was angry, shocked or embarrassed by turning over the ball 4 times (costing his team 28 points, and the game), Giants' quarterback Eli Manning responded with, "Just disappointed."

Now, in addition to being upset about losing the game on such a poor performance, many fans are even more furious at him because he isn't feeling more - that he isn't caught up in the wave of emotion that has swept over them.

The thing is that Eli Manning has never been one for big emotions - not after important games where he's played superbly, nor after dismal ones. I think this is one of his best qualities.

Who would you want in tough situations - an even-keeled guy that could keep a clear head, and not get confused by his emotions, or an erratic one that's subject to wide swings depending on the moment? (remember how quickly Howard Dean lost his elect-ability after his scream/rant in the '04 primary?)

In the long-run, it doesn't pay to have big mood swings anyway. After all, we don't really know what's going to happen next as a result of an event (as is well illustrated by a Chinese parable).

How are you feeling?

2007-11-23T10:31:00.000-05:00

Part of releasing stress is being able to identify what you're feeling. I've found that keeping both a short and long list of feeling words nearby is extraordinarily helpful.

One game I sometimes play is to figure out what action would need to happen to trigger a feeling, and then either try to make it happen, or pretend that it did (the body can't tell the difference between real and imagined events anyway).

More on how to sleep better

2007-11-07T08:56:00.000-05:00

Without proper sleep, you are much more susceptible to stress, lowers cognition rates, and makes us more vulnerable to illness (cancer, heart disease, diabetes, obesity).

So what can you do about it? Turns out some very simple steps... (in addition to those already mentioned)

- From NYTimes article: Curing Insomnia Without the Pills

"The behavioral strategies for better sleep are deceptively simple, and that’s one reason why many people don’t believe they can make a difference. One of the most effective methods is stimulus control. This means not watching television, eating or reading in bed. Don’t go to bed until you are sleepy. Get up at the same time every day, and don’t nap during the day. If you are unable to sleep, get out of bed after 15 minutes and do something relaxing, but avoid stimulating activity and thoughts.

So-called sleep hygiene is also part of sleep therapy. This includes regular exercise, adding light-proof blinds to your bedroom to keep it dark and making sure the bed and room temperatures are comfortable. Eat regular meals, don’t go to bed hungry and limit beverages, particularly alcohol and caffeinated drinks, around bedtime.

Finally, don’t try too hard to fall asleep, and turn the clock around so you can’t see it. Watching time pass is one of the worst things to do when you’re trying to fall asleep."

Write or Wrong?

2007-11-05T17:23:00.000-05:00

Whichever side you fall on with the Writers' Guild strike, there's one thing that you must agree with - it may or may not affect my appearance on Letterman.

Considering that Late Show has gone to re-runs (no one to write Top 10 lists), it may be a while until my segment airs. Since there's no way for me to know one way or another what will come of it, all I can do is shrug, and proceed with the implied understanding that I'll make the best of whatever happens. (after all, I still have the subtle satisfaction that my life is awesome)

But you guys didn't come here to read that - you want Letterman-style entertainment! ith that in mind - I provide my first Top 10 list...

Top 10 things I learned from taping a Late Show segment:
10. A camera crew does not mean a celebrity is in the vicinity
9. Food is not provided at shoots
8. Arrive early
7. Be prepared to wait
6. Share meaningful content within seven second or risk being cut-off
5. Sit on the tails of your jacket - it'll help you sit up straight
4. New Yorkers will be so oblivious to a camera setup that they'll walk in the three feet between camera and actors
3. Check your zipper
2. Let the comedian be the funny one - they dislike being upstaged
1. Take everything with a grain of salt - it's a comedy show afterall

Take care of a few things before you die ...

2007-10-26T09:42:00.001-05:00

The idea of Death triggers a lot of stress in people, and leads to some big questions: when will it happen, what will it be like, how should one prepare for it?

1st - it'll happen when it happens, but at least it's not right now.
2nd - it'll be like cute puppies jumping in your lap and emitting lots of love (at least that's how I like to imagine it).
3rd - preparation? That's what I have people for!

Said person just happens to be Wills, Trusts, & Estates lawyer, George Bischof, who's been kind enough to share his knowledge on the top 3 concerns that people seek him out for.

If you have kids, assets, or a life, you should take a few moments (13:34 to be precise) to find out the best ways to protect them.

You’ll learn about guardianship, how to minimize taxation by the government, living wills, healthcare proxies, and more.

If the audio player doesn't appear above, then copy and paste the following into the address bar of your web browser:
http://www.stopstressingout.com/Interview_with_George_Bischof_-_Wills_Trusts_&_Estates.mp3

(or right click and select "Save as" to download the podcast.

Please submit suggestions of future topics you'd like to hear interviews for via the comments section or send me an email.

I'm not a mind reader, just a prognosticator

2007-10-25T10:06:00.000-05:00

Remember my post on paparazzi?

I recently taped a segment on life coaching for Late Show with David Letterman where I was one of five life coaches to work with Andy Kindler (a comedian they frequently have on the show - do a search on YouTube for examples of his comedy).

For about 90 minutes on a park bench in Central Park we discussed, among other things, the stresses of a stand-up comedian and relationship issues. We poked fun at life in general, the people watching us, and coaching over the phone.

I have no idea what will make the final edits, but was told by the director, "You're going to be happy with it." So that's a good sign.

I am very thankful to those I contacted for help and advice on how to best prepare for the experience. You were all great! You definitely helped me get in the right mindset by playing up my strengths, and putting the risk and expectations into perspective.

Strengths: My improv and performance background tremendously helpful. While we were talking I was oblivious to the camera, crew, and passers by. I was very calm, and tried to balance coaching Andy on the issues he presented, as well as keeping the mood light (it is a comedy show after all).

Risk and Expectations: People put in this position for the first time are expected to not look good. Anything above that is just bonus.

I'll be given up to 24 hours notice prior to air-date. Which means you'll be given even less to Tivo it. I will send out an email to my newsletter as soon as I get the info. If you're not yet signed up, do so, or check back here daily during November ;)

Instant help for your stress

2007-10-05T10:42:00.000-05:00

As a coach, I'm an advocate for people taking a big-picture view of their life. I want them to be able to envision themselves 3 years, 5 years, or more into the future, and then I can help them plan and follow a route to get them there.

But I also realize that there are many small obstacles that make the immediate moments in that journey difficult.

That's why I incorporate short-term, stress reduction methods, while proceeding along the long-term stress release path I set up with clients.

So, what's a fast, easy way to reduce stress? Aromatherapy bypasses your higher cognitive brain functions to trigger responses directly. That's why you'll sometimes smell something, feel a different way, and then try to figure out what it reminds you of. (As opposed to smelling something, figuring out what it relates to, and then feeling a different way.)

The first oil I recommend people try is called Peace & Calming - a very fitting name since it's formulated to result in that effect. Apply a drop to the occipital lobe (the bump on the back of your head where the spine enters the skull), the pulse points on the inside of your wrists, temples, and 3rd eye (between your eyebrows, above the bridge of your nose).

one time you don't want to be 'all right'

2007-10-04T12:42:00.000-05:00

If your car was making a squealing noise every time you made a left turn, would you take it to a mechanic to get it fixed or would you just accept that the car was broken and continue driving it? (besides, two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left) Which in the end makes you "all right"

Realizing that you get stressed each time a particular situation arises, and not fixing the core issue is just as foolish as making right turns for the rest of your life.

You did a great job with step one - realizing that your car is squeaking. For step two all you need is a good mechanic.

One reason to smoke

2007-09-14T15:27:00.000-05:00

Taking a cigarette break - while often frowned upon - is still an excuse to take 5-10 minutes away from one's work and stop and breathe awhile. No doubt there's some chemical effect to the additives in tobacco products, but I think smokers often just enjoy the time to slow down and breathe.

If only we could find some excuse to do so without actually smoking ... that really would be something...

Making the best even better

2007-09-12T14:43:00.000-05:00

A recent Reuters article mentioned how Tiger Woods' constant pursuit is to get more power out of a natural golf swing*.

The problem he faces? "I tend to slip back into the same old faults."

The same is true of most people's approach to stress - we all have old faults that get in the way of our natural motion to release our stress easily. Our best strategy is to make adjustments to see what serves us better.

We each, like Tiger, have many opportunities to see the results of our adjustments. Unlike Tiger, however, it's harder to measure or track (In Daniel Gilbert's Stumbling on Happiness he gives ample evidence why we're not so good at keeping track of our feelings). You may want to set up some measuring tools and get an objective coach to help you out.

* recognize the voice? ;)

Why I love improv

2007-09-05T12:52:00.000-05:00

wonderful, exciting, stressful, scary, reckless, daring, focusing, uncanny

There are a many different ways to think about the experience of stepping on stage with no idea of what you're going to say, or what's going to happen.

The best performers have studied techniques that will strengthen their abilities, bringing them greater awareness, and flexibility. When they go on stage they always try their best, and realize that regardless of what happens, they'll be ok.

They'll review their performance and laugh about their brilliant (and not so brilliant) moves. The top performers will look for ways to improve for their next performance, often seeking outside, trusted opinions, to help them excel. In the end however, they never beat themselves up for missed opportunities - and there's always plenty).

Sounds a lot like life too, right?

Taking yourself and your life too seriously? Take some practice swings - improvise.

Thoughts on Labor Day traffic

2007-09-02T09:28:00.000-05:00

Labor Day is the busiest day for car-travel in the U.S., and there's a good chance that if you're on the road you'll hit slow-moving traffic.

Here's a few ideas in case you're:

Running late - and having to alter one's carefully synchronized/choreographed day (much like when they miss their train)
thought: If you were creative enough to come up with one plan, you can just as easily create another scenario.

Feeling disrespected - after all, if they knew how important you were the other drivers would get out of your way.
thought: Who would you be willing to get out of the way from? Maybe that's them coming now.

Lack of forward motion - sometimes it just feels nice to be moving, and there is definitely something pleasant about the wind blowing in your hair, but if you haven't figured it out yet, you can't always get what you want.
thought: you never have to hit your brakes if you're moving the slowest.

I can't stand paparazzi either

2007-08-28T11:00:00.000-05:00

I occasionally stop what I'm doing and thank my lucky stars that I have my space and privacy instead of swarms of people following me around.

Hey, you never know when you may be famous, so enjoy your obscurity now.

Trouble sleeping? Here are some tips!

2007-08-14T10:49:00.000-05:00

One sure fire way to help reduce stress is to get better sleep. It allows the body to spend less energy focusing on survival (approximately 30% of your energy goes towards processing what your eyes see), and more energy healing and rejuvenating. The University of Maryland Medical Center has these tips on how to sleep more quickly and easily (such as Progressive Relaxation, Toe Tensing, Deep Breathing, Guided Imagery, Quiet Ears).

Another technique I've been advocating lately is to massage lavender oil your feet just as you get into bed. It not only has a pleasant aroma, but helps calm, relax, and balance both physically and emotionally.

It's important to keep in mind that these are just tools to help you cope with whatever is causing you to feel so distressed. You can apply tip after tip, but wouldn't you prefer to just sleep soundly, easily, and feel well rested when you wake up?

Fortunately there's a system to help you do that.

But at the very least start by giving yourself a set amount of time to sleep each night and protecting that time.

Stuck in the subway

2007-08-08T15:12:00.000-05:00

It took 13 years.

I've been living in Manhattan for quite a while now, frequently using the public transportation system, and today is the first time I've been stuck in a train for an extended period (over 15 minutes).

No one in my subway car was happy about it, but everyone seemed to take it in stride. I was amazed. No one expressed a sense of entitlement, "this shouldn't be happening to me!" but there was a fair amount of, "All they (the Transit Authority) have to do to fix this is ..."

I turned my attention to jotting down a blog post and smiling at the coincidence that yesterday I saw a movie where all the transportation systems in the US were disrupted - so my predicament was fairly tame in comparison.

My gratitude list (aka, at least I've still got this going for me):
The lights are on
The air conditioning is on
The conductor is telling us why we're delayed
I have some water in a bottle
We're passing by other, non-moving trains

And those are just some of the 'practical' ones before going onto:
A fight hasn't broken out
I'm not wounded
The ceiling is sound and hasn't collapsed on us
Rats aren't storming the subway cars
No reports of anthrax

45 minutes later, I was at my subway stop and late for a meeting - a good number of the attendees were also late, and some had yet to arrive.

Is Stress Contagious?

2007-07-27T09:57:00.000-05:00

The news has been aflutter with articles about a recent study in the New England Journal of Medicine that indicates that Obesity is 'Contagious'.

I've been saying that about stress for quite some time. It's one of the core principles of my definition of stress - "A reaction that commonly occurs when your current situation doesn't match your ideal version of that situation"

The more common stress is in your life - the more it's seen as acceptable, beneficial, or natural - the more likely you are to choose it (and yes, unless your life is in immediate danger, you are choosing it).

So rather than congregate or interact with people whom "Stress Out" find another group (or create one) that values other modes of interacting and expressing themselves - maybe a group that tends to laugh rather than gripe.

The music of life

2007-07-24T08:23:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I listened in on an interview with Tal Ben-Shahar (Harvard professor who lectures on Positive Psychology) talk about how goals are the means to enjoying the journey. Which goes right along with how I prefer to differentiate between living a life of purpose with high standards vs. a life towards goals with high expectations (I'll elaborate more on this soon).

Alan Watts has a simple comparison between the journey of life and how we listen to music, and the creators of South Park created a fun depiction to emphasize the message in Watt's speech.

(in case you can't see the video - see it directly on YouTube)

(Thanks to Maneu for the link)

?eil a ro ,hturt eht ti si (aka How to Catch a Liar)

2007-07-23T08:56:00.000-05:00

(Is it the truth, or a lie?)

Lying can be hard, stressful work. It's been made more difficult by the research in Aldert Vrij's recently updated book - Detecting lies and deceit: The psychology of lying and the implications for professional practice (in press) - which states that a very effective method to detect a false story is to ask the person to tell it backwards.

Turns out that keeping your lies straight is harder when you're being asked to twist them around in your head.

[Thanks to Dan Goldstein for being on the pulse.]

How I always catch my train

2007-07-17T16:53:00.000-05:00

The subway is my main form of transportation. As such, I see a lot of trains pulling out of the station^*.

I often hear people cursing the train, their bad luck, or the elderly woman who was moving slowly down the stairs. These people have a very strong attachment to an imaginary life. I don’t know what kind of magic and wonders they expected to happen as a result of the recently departed train, but whatever it was is gone, and the sooner they accept that the better.

Imagine walking up to an ATM – would you get mad at the person ahead of you because they’re about to receive the $20 bill that you have big plans for? That $20 bill has pulled out of the “ATM station.” That $20 has a unique adventure ahead of it, but so does the one about to enter your pocket.

The same can be said of you and your train ride. Yes, you could have one set of adventures if you caught the earlier train, but you’re now faced with this set – the one the universe has given you the opportunity to take.

“Your train” is the one you actually end up riding, not the one you planned on taking.

Congratulations, now you’ll never miss your train again!

* At which point I think, “great, I’m early for the next one” (I actually feel that more and more often the trains are just arriving at the station).

Workshop: Improving Relationships Through Improv

2007-07-16T19:00:00.000-05:00

(A communications workshop for non-improvisers)

Tuesday, July 17th from 7-9pm

Want to make a great relationship even better?

Whether you have been together for 3 dates, 3 months, or 3 years, there is always the opportunity to:

- Deepen your connection
- Add more playfulness to your relationship
- Enhance the excitement
- Express gratitude
- Deepen your trust
- Share more
- Create more openness
- Be willing to make mistakes
- Explore ways to say things that are hard to say
- Build the relationship together
- Support each others' development
- Take cooperation to a new level
- Be present
- Have fun

Why improv?

Improv is founded on the concepts of open communication, playfulness, boldness, sharing, agreement, and acceptance.

These are the core elements of the most successful and exciting relationships.

Learning improv games is the easiest, most light hearted way to hone these communications skills.

How it's taught:

This workshop is not about being fast and funny. Instead, we will walk you through some of the tools and theory of great improv, as well as play some games (like those on the TV show Whose Line Is It Anyway?). In this safe environment, explore different ways to listen and express yourself.

Come be a part of it!
Register now!

I feel stronger already

2007-07-12T22:55:00.000-05:00

Part of what I love about my work is that I get to learn and experience new tools to help my clients learn about themselves.

My friend Craig Jennings recommended I take the assessment that comes with the book Now, Discover Your Strengths.

I must say that I think it's very accurate, and I'm now working on leveraging them more in how I coach and build up my business.

Here are excerpts of the explanations of my 5 greatest strengths:
Strategic
The Strategic theme enables you to sort through the clutter and find the best route. This perspective allows you to see patterns where others simply see complexity.

Individualization
Your Individualization theme leads you to be intrigued by the unique qualities of each person. You instinctively observe each person's style, each person's motivation, how each thinks, and how each builds relationships. Because you are such a keen observer of other people's strengths, you can draw out the best in each person.

Maximizer
Excellence, not average, is your measure. Taking something from below average to slightly above average takes a great deal of effort and in your opinion is not very rewarding. Transforming something strong into something superb takes just as much effort but is much more thrilling.

Arranger
When faced with a complex situation involving many factors, you enjoy managing all of the variables, aligning and realigning them until you are sure you have arranged them in the most productive configuration possible.

Relator
You do not necessarily shy away from meeting new people-in fact, you may have other themes that cause you to enjoy the thrill of turning strangers into friends-but you do derive a great deal of pleasure and strength from being around your close friends. Once the initial connection has been made, you deliberately encourage a deepening of the relationship. You want to understand their feelings, their goals, their fears, and their dreams; and you want them to understand yours.

Independence

2007-06-28T09:28:00.000-05:00

Independence Day is fast approaching for those of us in the United States. And while my first thoughts of this anniversary tend to go in the direction of backyard barbecues, frozen drinks, and fireworks (Sorry revolutionaries!), when I think of independence from a stress release perspective I focus on the various ideals we hold as self-evident.

"Of course I want that! It's obvious why! Jeeze you're slow."

Maybe you're referring to your career plans, finances, relationships, spirituality, or other aspect of your life.

For this Independence Day, I'm going to take a look at what self-evident truths I'm holding onto, and let one or two go.

My hypothesis is that I'll feel a lighter, freer, and more able to pursue life, liberty, and happiness.

My new favorite question?

2007-06-26T19:56:00.002-05:00

"Would you like the subtle satisfaction of knowing your life is awesome?"

I came up with this question while trying to describe what I'd like to feel when people work with me.

However, a problem soon emerged. I couldn't contain the satisfaction level to that of "subtle." Pretty soon I was downright gleeful, and giddy.

It got to the point where I had to coin a new word - "gliddy" (gleeful + giddy).

I now often find myself gently fluctuating between the different states.

Wondering how your life could be awesome too?

The answer to that is simple in concept, but difficult in execution - you have to look at everything that's going on in your life, and not only accept it, but view it as the best thing ever (move over sliced bread!)

(I never claimed this method was original)

Those of you stuck in the objective reality of your situation are SOL (though maybe I can help).

How to find extra hours in your day and enjoy them more!

2007-06-19T18:33:00.000-05:00

My colleague, Karin Vibe-Rheymer-Stewart of DailyMastery.com, and I are leading a fun, informative 90-minute workshop where you will:

- Discover how you can stop stress dead in its tracks
- Tame your stress-inducing, time-wasting monsters
- Conquer your stressful emergencies once and for all
- Find out how to create stress-free relationships
- Change your relationship to stress… for the better

It takes place in NYC on Tuesday, June 19th from 6:30-8pm.
I encourage all of you to register!

Stress Reduction Method #481 - Talk to yourself

2007-06-13T14:44:00.000-05:00

futureme.org

It's not a diary, well... it could be.
It's not a confessional, well... it could be.

All I know is that every time I send a message to myself I'm filled with glee. Especially since I quickly forget when it'll arrive. Try picking random dates in the future - months, years, decades out.

NB: If you sign up for an account you can change the email address it gets sent to - if you don't want an account you may want to own www.yourname.com (so that you still use the recipient email address)

Annoying vs. Necessary

2007-06-07T22:23:00.000-05:00

Today I was discussing with a client how annoying a person could be in relation to how necessary they are as well as when they are told about their behavior. The following chart is what we came up with.

People start out being "Welcome." As they become more annoying, they enter the "nuisance" zone where they are usually told about their disliked behavior. If they keep up the negative trend, they then become "avoided." In addition, if this is in a work environment, too much more and they'll be fired.

Everyone can be a little annoying, but the slack they get (i.e. when they shift from "welcome" to "nuisance" to "avoided" is in direct proportion to how necessary they are. In the chart below Person A (PA) has a "necessary value" of 6, and Person B (PB) has one of 18. As a result, PA has only two "annoying units" before they told about their behavior. If they continue to 5 units, they're given up on and just muttered about behind their back. Once they reach 7 units they're fired.

Meanwhile at 7 units PB is only now shifting into "nuisance" area - being told about their unacceptable behavior.

So basically we all have a choice if we want to be "welcome"
1) Get along with others (i.e. don't annoy others)
2) Become more necessary
3) Not interact with others

Or you could just not care what others think.

Forget something?

2007-05-31T10:29:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday I went to see Seth Godin talk about his latest book The Dip. The talk was great, I got him to sign a copy of the book, take a photo with me, and told him that I was the one who sent him this picture of a remarkably un-remarkable shoe store.

At the start of the Q&A session after his great presentation he mentioned that he would give out prizes to the people who asked the best questions. I (and apparently everyone else in the room too) were enjoying the moment so much that no one remembered about the prize. I had even walked out talking with a guy about his video company.

As we parted ways outside the venue I recalled that the prize had not been awarded. The problem is that NYC "cool etiquette" requires that I shrug the prize off as unimportant and walk away. The kid inside me required that I shake off outside approval (aka looking cool) and go back and find out about the prize. We all know what I did...

I went back and got the prize! The Purple Cow Award given to those Transforming Business by Being Remarkable

(btw, I did ask a really good question about what strategies he'd use to engage the world-view of people who want their kids to go after their interests, not just do things to get into college.)

I get the prize, heartily shake Seth's hand, and once again leave the venue. After walking a full block I check my phone for messages, and also to see the photo with Seth, but I couldn't find it! I tried three times... this was not good. Had I closed the phone too quickly and the picture not saved? Could I go back and ask him to take another picture? Wasn't that going to be too weird? I could tell that he was going to remember me, but no longer in a good way if I went back.

I had overcome NYC "cool etiquette" once, but twice? I wasn't strong enough. So, I accepted that somethings were just not meant to be.

A couple of days later I uploaded the recent photos to my computer ... and lo and behold...

Some possible morals:
- Don't worry, be happy
- Be more careful
- There's a fine line between assertive and obsessed
- [insert your moral here] (or in the comment section)

I hate it ... until that other guy likes it

2007-05-30T10:26:00.000-05:00

On my way home last night I saw Mario Batali coming out of a ramen noodle restaurant that opened a while ago on 2nd & 13th. To me ramen noodles are pretty plain and basic food. I don't understand how so many have opened up in my neighborhood, let alone how people are willing to put up with waiting on a line (or just loitering) outside for some when there are plenty of good alternatives that serve up more than just noodles.

All that changes when you start asking a famed chef about his and his two dinner companions' descriptions of their meal. They proceeded to quickly list four "must haves" while rubbing their bellies and wistfully remembering their just-finished meal.

So now I have to go try that place ... the place that I've shaken my head at for months now as too trendy and "what's the point."

Worst comes to worst - I'll try it, shrug my shoulders, and move on... but at least I'll understand a bit more about why others will wait on line for it.

P.s. I tried the "amazing" pizza place next door and I don't think my palate is sensitive enough to appreciate the fineness of the ingredients.

Do you have two minutes?

2007-05-04T09:00:00.001-05:00

I recently attended a two day workshop on the Sedona Method - a technique developed in 1952 by Lester Levenson, when doctors told him he only had a short time to left live. (He lived another 42 years because of this method.)

It takes you through a series of questions that gently confront and breakdown emotional frustrations.

Naturally at the end of the workshop I was feeling very relaxed and open. It was a gorgeous eventing and I went to eat dinner in the garden of a restaurant around the corner from my apartment.

I continued my habit of exchanging a few polite words with the waitress. At one point she said, "I wish I could be as relaxed as you are."

"Do you have two minutes?" I replied.

She said she didn't - at least not right then, but came by a few minutes later. I had her sit down across from me, took her through the Sedona Method, and humbly accepted her sincere thanks when she got up feeling more joyous and calm.

Of course I'm busy!

2007-01-24T19:42:00.000-05:00

We in NYC are very proud of how busy we are.

There's even an unspoken scale:
busy
really busy
insanely busy

Around here there's a status to busy - an implication that "if you're not busy, you're wasting time and not taking full advantage of your life."

I don't have a problem with people being busy - they wouldn't be in NYC if they weren't interested in "doing stuff."

But there's still a question: "Where are all of your activities taking you?"

If your activities aren't bringing you closer to your ideal life, then you're left bouncing around, or spinning your wheels in the same routine. Which to me sounds a lot like not taking advantage of your life.

So go ahead, be busy, but pick a direction to take yourself - even if you change it later - because life never stops ... until it does.