Bed bugs are a problem in New York City (the NY Times ran four articles about them last month alone). So it came as no surprise when Barry started talking with me about his obsession with protecting his family from them.
He'd heard the horror stories from two close friends - about how the exterminators would come, but the bugs would stay. Of people leaving the city entirely after moving from an infested apartment, only to have the new apartment also be infested (the new landlord painted over the walls and didn't mention the issue).
Determined to avoid such a disaster in his home, in April, Barry started to insist that everyone put their bags and shoes into large plastic bins in the entry. He would also vacuum his home three times a week - not only would he vacuum behind the sofa cushions, he would unzip and vacuum the inside of them as well (just in case!). And it went on from there. All this felt like the sane thing to do in the face of a pesky danger to his son.
The problem was that the behavior was starting to feel obsessive - and ineffectual. The friends of his 7 year-old son who had been exposed to bed bugs would play in the apartment. The walls could develop a crack from where the bugs could seep in. There were too many variables. Too many possibilities that something could creep in. Even Barry's son started calling him obsessed and asked him to chill out. (His wife was lovingly accommodating, but still shook her head in wonder.)
This was the situation where Barry approached me. Between half-hearted jokes about his behavior, he mentioned that he'd like to stop. There's no point in trying to make a shift if a shift isn't desired. So I asked him directly, "Which is it? Do you want the behavior or do you want to stop?"
Had he said that he wanted to maintain the behavior, I would have gone along with it and enjoyed his company for the rest of the evening (Barry's a very funny guy). But as it was, he became somber and concerned. Barry said he really did want to change - even his 7 year-old was acting more mature and calling him out on odd behavior - but didn't know how.
I asked him:
Why do you want to stop?
What do you get out of the behavior?
How else can you get it?
What's next (or even more important)?
As a result, Barry realized that he was spending more time and energy worrying about bed bugs than if he actually got them. Even though he could try to protect his son from tiny bites, there were other things that would hurt even more. And the most important lesson he could bestow at this point was that it's possible to get over an obsession and return to normal behavior.
The next day Barry and his son got rid of the bins.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Obsession-Be-Gone - The story of one man's fight with his fight against bed bugs
Posted by Zohar at 2:04 PM 2 comments
Labels: coaching, happiness, health, life's journey, problem solving, release, stress reduction method, tips
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Presentation on 11/18: Giving Thanks to Stress
$5
Saturday, October 30, 2010
How long should it take to recover from a car incident?
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Why time doesn't heal ANY wounds
When someone is suffering emotionally we often try to comfort them by saying "It'll take time," or "Just give it a bit of time."
Unfortunately there's no special quality of time. Time itself doesn't heal wounds. 10 years never saved anyone - it's the new perspectives we discover and accept during those 10 years that makes the difference. They're the ones that helps us realize that things really are releasable.
So what are we really saying when we prescribe time? We're saying that time is what gives us that perspective (or ability to access that perspective) rather than that other perspective is available to us immediately. It may not be evident right away, but don't make your ability to recognize and adopt perspectives time-dependent. That's ceding control of an ability we all have available at any time. And not just any ability, it's the best thing to get you to move on.
What new experience are you waiting for? What are you going to know, feel, see differently later? Different perspectives are there for the taking. Seek them out! Explore them! The end of your suffering may be sooner than you think.
Posted by Zohar at 9:26 AM 0 comments
Labels: change, health, problem solving, stress reduction method, tips
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Take Your Pick of Reactions
So go ahead and pick a reaction you you feel would better serve you when you encounter your next "stressful situation." You don't need to pick "the best" reaction, as long as it's better than stress your experience will improve. All it takes to change your reaction is practicing your desired one and a mindset to do so.
Positive Emotional Reactions | |||
Adequate | Awe | Assured | Able |
Capable | Certain | Charmed | Cheerful |
Comfortable | Compassion | Courageous | Confident |
Determined | Delighted | Eager | Energetic |
Enthusiastic | Excited | Exhilarated | Expectant |
Elation | Empathy | Excellent | Fascinated |
Glad | Good | Great | Grateful |
Glorious | Glamorous | Graceful | Happy |
Hopeful | Humorous | Inspired | Interested |
Joyful | Magnificent | Lust | Love |
Pleasure | Playfulness | Peaceful | Pleasant |
Powerful | Prideful | Upbeat | Relaxed |
Relieved | Satisfied | Surprised | Sympathy |
Stable | Sublime | Superior | Thrilled |
Negative Emotional Reactions | |||
Annoyed | Anxious | Apprehensive | Agonize |
Anger | Anxiety | Apathy | Bored |
Burdened | Cautious | Competitive | Concerned |
Confused | Contempt | Depressed | Destructive |
Disgusted | Distracted | Doubtful | Disappointed |
Exasperated | Exhausted | Embarrassment | Envy |
Frustrated | Fear | Guilty | Greed |
Grief | Harassed | Hesitant | Hostile |
Ignored | Impatient | Indifferent | Intimidated |
Isolated | Irritated | Jealous | Jumpy |
Lonely | Mad | Manipulated | Miserable |
Obnoxious | Overwhelmed | Panic | Pressured |
Remorse | Revenge | Shame | Sad |
Scared | Shocked | Suspicious | Stress |
Tired | Uncomfortable | Uneasy | Used |
Wary | Weary | Wasteful |
Posted by Zohar at 3:04 PM 0 comments
Labels: change, definition, gratitude, happiness, reactions, stress reduction method
Saturday, September 4, 2010
The other most important word in stress
Stressable
Posted by Zohar at 10:12 AM 0 comments
Labels: definition, diffusers, release, stress reduction method, tips
The most important word in stress
Releasable
Adj: Capable of being let go.
Everything you find stressful is releasable. Once you've decided what's really stressable in your life, your ability to succeed in moving on is dependent on how much you believe that it's releasable.