Obsession-Be-Gone - The story of one man's fight with his fight against bed bugs

Bed bugs are a problem in New York City (the NY Times ran four articles about them last month alone). So it came as no surprise when Barry started talking with me about his obsession with protecting his family from them.


He'd heard the horror stories from two close friends - about how the exterminators would come, but the bugs would stay. Of people leaving the city entirely after moving from an infested apartment, only to have the new apartment also be infested (the new landlord painted over the walls and didn't mention the issue).


Determined to avoid such a disaster in his home, in April, Barry started to insist that everyone put their bags and shoes into large plastic bins in the entry. He would also vacuum his home three times a week - not only would he vacuum behind the sofa cushions, he would unzip and vacuum the inside of them as well (just in case!). And it went on from there. All this felt like the sane thing to do in the face of a pesky danger to his son.


The problem was that the behavior was starting to feel obsessive - and ineffectual. The friends of his 7 year-old son who had been exposed to bed bugs would play in the apartment. The walls could develop a crack from where the bugs could seep in. There were too many variables. Too many possibilities that something could creep in. Even Barry's son started calling him obsessed and asked him to chill out. (His wife was lovingly accommodating, but still shook her head in wonder.)


This was the situation where Barry approached me. Between half-hearted jokes about his behavior, he mentioned that he'd like to stop. There's no point in trying to make a shift if a shift isn't desired. So I asked him directly, "Which is it? Do you want the behavior or do you want to stop?"


Had he said that he wanted to maintain the behavior, I would have gone along with it and enjoyed his company for the rest of the evening (Barry's a very funny guy). But as it was, he became somber and concerned. Barry said he really did want to change - even his 7 year-old was acting more mature and calling him out on odd behavior - but didn't know how.


I asked him:
Why do you want to stop? 
What do you get out of the behavior? 
How else can you get it? 
What's next (or even more important)?


As a result, Barry realized that he was spending more time and energy worrying about bed bugs than if he actually got them. Even though he could try to protect his son from tiny bites, there were other things that would hurt even more. And the most important lesson he could bestow at this point was that it's possible to get over an obsession and return to normal behavior.


The next day Barry and his son got rid of the bins.

Why time doesn't heal ANY wounds

When someone is suffering emotionally we often try to comfort them by saying "It'll take time," or "Just give it a bit of time."

Unfortunately there's no special quality of time. Time itself doesn't heal wounds. 10 years never saved anyone - it's the new perspectives we discover and accept during those 10 years that makes the difference. They're the ones that helps us realize that things really are releasable.

So what are we really saying when we prescribe time? We're saying that time is what gives us that perspective (or ability to access that perspective) rather than that other perspective is available to us immediately. It may not be evident right away, but don't make your ability to recognize and adopt perspectives time-dependent. That's ceding control of an ability we all have available at any time. And not just any ability, it's the best thing to get you to move on.

What new experience are you waiting for? What are you going to know, feel, see differently later? Different perspectives are there for the taking. Seek them out! Explore them! The end of your suffering may be sooner than you think.

Announcing the Stop Stressing Radio Show

Are you stressed out? Would you like to access new ways to deal with your stress better? Join experienced life coaches, Zohar Adner, Michele Lamoureux, and Scott Shane Holt, as they take on the daily stressors in our lives -- Money, Relationships and Health. 

Each week you'll gain a new perspective and tips to manage your own stressful situations. This series is effective, fun, and insightful - you're gonna love it!

Listen and call in every Monday at 2pm Eastern Time starting on April 26th.

http://www.BlogTalkRadio.com/StopStressing

(Call-in number: (347) 857-3382)

Tips for better sleep

As stated in a previous post stress has a tremendous impact on your quality of life.

Here are some practical tips I’ve shared with people who want to fall asleep more quickly and improve the quality of their rest:

• Figure out how much sleep you need. This may seem obvious, but most people don’t sleep enough. The average adult needs between 7 and 8 hours of sleep. Find your body’s preferred amount, and make that the priority (not the activities that are taking its place). Then set yourself a firm time to get to bed.

• Account for your pre-sleep routine. Most people have between a 15-30 minute routine of things they do before head. The problem is that this time often isn’t accounted for.

• No TV or computer at least 30 minutes before bed. The problem is that TVs and monitors are active light sources (things that emit light). Our bodies are wired to stay extra-alert when looking at an active light source because it usually meant danger.

• Dim the lights. Installing a dimmer switch for your bedroom’s lights or a low-wattage bulb for the lamp near your bed will remind your body that it’s time to relax.

• Reading or listen to something calming. No drama, thrillers, that you can’t put down. No fast beats with engrossing lyrics. Pre-bed time is for winding down; you’re better off reading or listening to something that maintains your interest for about 7 minutes (2-3 pages). That's just enough time to stop thinking about your day and drift away.

• Keep a pad of paper by the bed. If your mind starts racing anyway, use your pad to write down the thoughts as they come in. Don’t worry about grammar or punctuation. Just write. As the words come out, they’ll stay stuck in the page and you’ll be able to unwind. If you don’t they’ll stay stuck in your head and your mind will race trying to remember them for the morning. You’re better off being able to jot them down right away. As a bonus, the physical action of writing can also be tiring.

Remember, you'll sleep better as long as you do one of the above tips. Please don't try to incorporate all of them at once. For best results, pick the tip that most appeals to you then do it for 21 days in a row to ingrain it into your routine before you add another technique.

Have a tip or technique that helps with your own sleep? Please share it in a comment!

(Note: the picture is of me taking a nap in Patagonia back in 2000. My days were packed with rich experiences and I basically had no access to electronic devices. I have never slept so consistently well.)

Healing Power of Improv

I just came back from Portland, OR where I co-lead a workshop about health, laughter and stress with Sue Walden.

We discussed:

- The impact of laughter and stress on health
- The impact of laughter on the creative process
- Laughter Yoga exercises
- The Four Intensifiers/Diffusers of Stress

and gave a ton of resources.

You can find a pretty detailed write-up on the Applied Improvisation Network's site.

Grinding out the stress

A NY Times article today discussed how there's been a 15% rise in sales of night guards for teeth - much of it due to increased levels of stress.

While using a guard is a good idea to calm your nerves and save your teeth in the short run, wouldn't you rather get rid of stress at it's root? (puns intended)

My book is coming next month - The Gift of Stress: How to Act on the Urgent Message That's Trying to Save Your Life

I recommend reviewing some of the past posts on sleep to deal with the advice mentioned in the final paragraph of the article:

“Good sleep hygiene goes a long way to keeping the mind relaxed and the jaws from starting to smack together,” said Dr. McCracken, who has studied the relation of sleep to teeth grinding. “We know that the stress center of the brain is directly next to the part of the brain that controls teeth grinding. We’re not sure how it relates to the disorder, but it’s intriguing. Lately, I even tell my patients, before they go to bed, not to watch the news.”

Now there's a guide to healthy eating in NYC

What you eat affects your body in many way - including your stress level. Now there's finally a guide to healthy restaurants in New York - Clean Plates NYC.

Starting with a guide to nutrition and continuing with 75 reviews of delicious restaurants and 7 chef interviews, this guide is a must-have for the health-consious metropolitan. (They even created a mobile phone app for it)

I'm delighted to be able to offer my readership and site visitors a 10% discount! Enter the code: StopStressingOut at checkout and you'll get 10% off your purchase.

NY Daily News: "Food critic Alex Van Buren and nutritional consultant Jared Koch got together and researched more than 300 restaurants, dinng at more than 125 so they could provide accurate, on the money advice. Besides the listings, there’s a great guide of tips for eating healthier"

Want to be happy? Talk to your neighbor

A Harvard Medical School study is about to be published in BMJ (a British journal) that adds weight to SSO's definition of stress: Stress is a reaction that commonly occurs when your current situation doesn't match your ideal version of that situation.

The operative word is commonly.

According to the NY Times article the study shows a positive impact of people around you being happy - particularly those who see and are physically close to.

"A next-door neighbor’s joy increased one’s chance of being happy by 34 percent, but a neighbor down the block had no effect. A friend living half a mile away was good for a 42 percent bounce, but the effect was almost half that for a friend two miles away. A friend in a different community altogether can win an Oscar without making you feel better. “You have to see them and be in physical and temporal proximity,” Dr. Christakis said."

This study also confirms the efficacy of the 6th R of Stress Release - Remind. The more reminders you have about your progress and desired state, the easier it will be to maintain.

So go out there and hang out with happy people!

Caffeine vs Napping

I've always found the siesta to be a great idea. Working from home most days has facilitated this greatly.

For those of you who may not be able to justify to themselves why it really is okay to do so, whose boss may still not see the benefit, or who insist that an afternoon coffee is still the way to be productive in the afternoon - I give you a link to further proof that the siesta is the way to go...

The NY Times just ran an article illustrating how a nap from 1-3 is more effective than a caffeine pill (or a placebo) at 3pm.

Send it around, then claim the spot for your afternoon nap. I recommend finding a place where you can go horizontal rather than just slumped in your chair.

A free wellness assessment

Whether you're a teen, in college, and adult, or an older adult, the National Wellness Institute has a free assessment that will tell you how you score in these areas:

• Physical
• Sexuality
• Nutrition
• Emotional
• Self Care
• Intellectual
• Safety
• Occupational
• Environment
• Spirituality

Stress: just how unhealthy is it?

Really, really unhealthy.

A documentary recently aired on PBS that follows Stanford professor, Robert Sapolsky's, detailed study about the effects of stress - http://killerstress.stanford.edu/

The gist:
Animals living on a Kenyan National Reserve experience high levels of stress for a few moments when trying to escape being eaten and then returning to normal

Typical humans in western civilization experience equally high levels of stress for rather mundane, non-life threatening situation, and have a hard time letting those stress levels go back down to the original - non-stressed levels.

There's also a section where he talks about his own stress - and he's a pretty high-strung guy. In it he shares how, while it works for others, meditating for a few minutes a day would cause him even more stress. Of course it would, it's not easy from having a head that's been running around quite quickly shift into low gear. That would be like reliving one of my worst cinema double-feature experiences - watching Run Lola Run followed by The Straight Story.

Yet, we still have to ask ourselves - is the damage being done by maintaining the faster pace worth the "productivity"?

(Thanks to Scott for the link that inspired this post).

Trying to solve a problem? Take a nap

I've always been a big proponent of naps - and can pretty much take one regardless of the environment.

The NY Times recently ran an article about a study that shows significant increases in memory and creativity immediately after sleep, and discusses the benefits of companies that have introduced nap-pods at the workplace.

No wonder I'm most productive in the morning!

(click on image for the cool blog post from highbridnation.com where I got the image)

Stressing about things outside of your control

When we start complaining about the price of gas or the weather what we're really trying to figure out is, "How am I going to fit this new info into my already overwhelmed life?"

If you maintain a wellness cushion you'll be in a clearer frame of mind
for the variations that will occur at some point.

It's why you're better off with:

- 6+ months of living expenses saved in the bank (your job may not be there tomorrow)

- giving yourself 20 minutes between meetings (they run long and bathroom breaks should be a priority)

- filling up on gas when there's still half a tank left (it's the last thing you want to think about when you're running late for a meeting)

- leaving one night a week open (it's nice to be able to take up a last minute offer of theater tickets or have dinner with a friend who just flew into town)

A tale of two allergies

Allergies are the worst of times (but they don't have to be).

Here are two examples:
--------------
Tale #1
Two weeks ago I was at brunch with a friend of mine and noticed a red blotch on his arm. I asked him what it was and he said it was a rash from an allergic reaction and that the blotches were actually all over his body.

I suggested he try X

15 minutes later the rash had diminished, and 90 minutes later it was 90% gone.

--------------
Tale #2
Last week I was talking with a woman taking three different allergy medications, but still suffering from a stuffed-up nose and feeling drowsy.

I suggested she try X

15 minutes later her nose was runny.

--------------
So what is X?

X = put a little lavender oil on your fingers and lick them. If I had my capsules with me though we could have put a single drop in them and have them swallow that.

Why does it work? Because lavender is a natural antihistamine.

Lavender: creating the best of times.

Get 100% pure, therapeutic grade lavender through my website:
www.youngliving.com/zoharadner

P.S. You can also use lavender on cuts to shorten healing times.

P.P.S. Please note - I am not a medical professional and some people are allergic to lavender.

For a piece of peace

As announced last week - I was interviewed for a sidebar in Woman's World magazine where I provided 5 tips to lower your stress and increase your sense of calm.

Enjoy!


(click on the image to enlarge it and be able to read the full piece)

5 more things you can do to make your life peaceful

I contributed 5 tips for a sidebar in this week's Woman's World. The article is on bringing more peace into your life.

A few great tips that didn't make it into the article:
1) Recognize, Evaluate, and Secure Personal Boundaries:
Understand why your buttons (aka boundaries) are being pushed rather than just the action that triggers them.

Ask yourself: "What is it that I am sensitive to that's being triggered? Why am I sensitive to it? How is that helping me?"

2) Get the other person's perspective of the situation:
Every person sees the world differently. One person's helpful action is another's encroachment of personal space. Sustained communication and open dialogue, while taking effort in the short run, save it in the long run - that includes talking with yourself.

Ask yourself (and/or the other person): “What exactly are we arguing about? What happened that lead up to this situation? What would be a satisfactory resolution?”

3) Response-ability:
You can't change others, but you can change your response to their behavior.

Ask yourself: "How would I prefer to respond? What would it take to respond that way?"

4) Do-ability:
Every task you set before yourself is do-able (I'm not including inventors in this group). If you aren't getting it done some part of your approach or mind-set isn't working.

Ask yourself:
Do you need more time?
Is there a better time to make the attempt?
Are better tools available?
Are more hands needed?
Do you have enough information?

If you struggled with a task, and were eventually successful, take time to analyze what was different about the situation. The task may come up again.

5) The Best Response:
No matter the situation, the best response is never to "stress out."

Ask yourself: "What a better response would be?"

Then follow your advice ;)

Upset stomach? Have some mint!

I'll admit it - my stomach isn't always the most serene organ. But, what I've found helps me a lot is a couple of drops of Peppermint oil added to a full glass of water; I end up feeling better immediately.

I also add Peppermint to my water when I'm looking for a healthy spruce up to my water. It has more zing than Lemon Oil, and sometimes that's what the situation calls for. Sugar-filled and artificially flavored Vitamin Water? No thanks, I'll stick to my organic and 100% pure mint.

Get rid of canker sores fast!

Stress has a tremendous impact on your immune system¹. In fact, up to 90% of illness is stress-related.

Canker sores often reappear in periods of elevated stress. If they are a concern of yours, I highly recommend Gathering - a Young Living exclusive essential oil blend.

Place 2 drops on a cotton swab and then apply directly onto the sore². It can be applied when the sore is only starting to form as well. It doesn't taste particularly good, but you get over that quickly.

With 2 or 3 applications/day the sore typically goes away in 2-3 days instead of 5-6.

You can order gathering through my Young Living distributor site or calling Young Living's exceptional customer service line: 1-800-371-3515 and giving them my distributor #: 930469

¹ Cortisol build up will decrease immune function. This occurs because the immune system reacts to or is turned on by a specific set of hormones which are turned off by cortisol.

² Possible skin sensitivity. If pregnant or under a doctor's care, consult your physician. This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.

Happiness 101

60 Minutes recently did a series on The Key to Happiness that includes discussion on what makes Denmark the happiest country in the world, and shares former Harvard Positive Psychology professor Tal Ben-Shahar's definition of happiness (and as we know from stress, it all starts with a definition.)

The biggest problem with the self-help movement is ...

the title 'self-help'

It makes too many people think that they should be able to read about techniques, use 5%, and tackle all their problems on their own. Change is a tough enough thing to accomplish, and just because you buy a hammer, wood and nails doesn't mean you're going to finish building your dream house.

Sometimes people end up getting caught up (or lost) in all the various things they could be doing ...


Spider Robinson penned a wonderful line - "Pain shared is lessened, joy shared, increased -- thus do we refute entropy*"

While it's up to the individual to create the change they seek, doing so in isolation is far from the best course of action. The trick is finding the right people to partner with on the journey.

Perhaps "Life's Journey" is too corny a name for what people are learning about and undertaking, but at least it's more accurate and empowering. I'm still tossing around these possibilities:
Life Development
Life Fulfillment
Life Growth
Life Actualization
Life Enhancement

In the meantime you may want to ask yourself:

What am I trying to do on my own?
Who do I know that no longer has that concern? (someone I can learn from)
What's going on in their life that I could help with?

Or hire a professional to spend less time dreaming about, crafting, and building the dream house that is your life. (A good coach will also help you enjoy the process and results more)




* entropy is the tendency for increased randomness (aka craziness & hecticness)